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Have you seen the twats on these f**king juries, says senior judge

A SENIOR judge has invited the public to look at the cretins and halfwits on the average jury and ask if they would like to be judged by them. 

Sir Brian Leveson suggests the next time British citizens are on the bus, they should decide if they would prefer 12 of their fellow passengers to have the power to imprison them forever or one person who knew what they were doing.

He continued: “A group of your peers? Have you met them?

“It would be alright if it was a group of my peers because they’re actual peers, but you’d hand your fate to that bloke ordering Subway for breakfast? The girl picking her nose at traffic lights? The Northern Line frotterers?

“They’re all in the mix and they’ll be puzzling over your case, missing details, deciding key witnesses are ‘scruffy’, addled by a lifetime of true crime and asking where the migrant was who really did it.

“I’m there anyway, gently guiding them through, and I know for f**king sure who’s guilty. And I can tell which twats on the jury I’ll be seeing in the dock soon enough.”

Nathan Muir of Hereford said: “Yeah but the thing is I reckon if I was called for jury service I’d be brilliant.”

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Couple accepts they will never have sex adventurous enough to need a safeword

A COUPLE have agreed they are not really the type to have sex dangerous or boundary-crossing enough to need a safeword, and feel the lesser for it. 

Ryan Whittaker and Grace Wood-Morris have faced facts and ruefully agreed that since they do not like hurting each other or pretending to, they will never need the verbal emergency stop button that other, sexier couples rely upon.

Grace said: “I’m not really up for being whipped, spanked or slapped. Like the basic normcore bitch I am, I associate those acts with pain.

“Sex for me is about pleasure, and rather than safewords I employ phrases like ‘just there’ and ‘yes that’s good’ rather than having to call out ‘loganberry’ when he get carried away. Our love life peaks at a tepid room-temperature. I’ve come to terms with that.”

Whittaker agreed: “I don’t want to choke Grace. It would make me feel like a murderer which is not a way I want to feel when I’m naked with an erection.

“It’s crushing, admitting our lovemaking is boring, regional and focused on intimacy when it could be so much more risky and thrilling. But we basically like missionary and bringing each other to satisfying orgasms. I know.”

Grace’s mother Janet said: “They should still establish a safeword. I wouldn’t be without mine, which I use to avoid sex altogether.”

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