THE train is into the station. You’re closest to the door button. But you sense the other passengers’ doubt. Can he handle this? Will he crack up? Show them they’re wrong:
Establish dominance
You hold power, but the rabble will be wondering if you’re who they want for a leader. Challengers may even assert they could open those doors up to 0.25 of a second quicker. Silence them by holding your hand, poised, in mid-air over the button and hear the sharp intake of breath from the masses. Hover, you f**ker, hover!
Demonstrate prowess
Prove that you, a fully grown adult, know how the door opening process works. As the train slows, give it a few lightning-fast trial presses. You know it isn’t lit yet; this is a practice run so you can show off your skillset and quite literally flex your muscle. Any delays won’t be down to you, the crowd recognises. You have staved off rebellion for now.
Flaunt impatience
It’s key that your subjects know you’re as restless as they are, so curse the button under your breath for stopping you leading them to the promised land of platform 14. This shows your rage at being denied your chance to be a locomotive Moses. A woman may dash forward with a handkerchief to mop the sweat from your brow. Allow this.
Seize the moment
Once illuminated, show flair in your push. Go in smooth with one finger outstretched in the style of an assassin or prostate exam, or flip at the last nanosecond to give a cool, back-handed swipe. Then push it again because the door hasn’t opened immediately. And again, for those at the back.
Lead the way
Your job isn’t over once the button’s been pushed. Wait for the comforting hiss of hydraulics and then stride ahead, showing your people the way to freedom. Ignore all the other puffed-up button-pushers from other carriages. So what if they got off first? It’s not a competition.
