Britons accidentally celebrating pagan festival of Beltane with dull suburban barbecue

THE UK is unknowingly celebrating the ancient pagan holiday of Beltane by having a barbecue with a few cans in the back garden.

The sensible liberal's guide to protesting without causing the slightest inconvenience

WE all want a better world. But we must strive for it without upsetting older, wealthier, whiter people, or indeed anyone at all. Here is the sensible liberal’s guide to protest.

Five derogatory American phrases and their more effective British equivalents

THE British public have become familiar with American put-downs, but do they do the job as well their British alternatives? Let’s find out.

Country basically run for benefit of angry drivers

BRITAIN is governed with the sole aim of appeasing red-faced drivers with high blood pressure, it has been confirmed.

Retired man tortured by fevered imaginings of how easy homeworker's day is

A RETIREE is unable to rest because he is tormented by visions of homeworkers mocking him with their easy lives.

No-one enjoys having Happy Birthday sung to them

NOT one single person, from one-year-olds to 100-year-olds, enjoys the part of their birthday where everyone sings Happy Birthday, it has emerged.

Bring up their biological clock, and other normal ways to talk to women in their 30s

KNOW a woman in the prime of life? Looking for conversation topics that will piss her off no end?

Will you be celebrating St George's Day enough or are you a filthy traitor?

ST George’s Day - it’s the most important day of the year for every Englishman and woman. But are your plans extravagant enough? Read our checklist and avoid being a traitor to your nation.

Six everyday situations that are surprisingly charged with class tension

WE supposedly live in a classless society. So why then does class tension come bubbling dangerously close to the surface during the most mundane events?

Five real reasons to turn down a wedding invite versus what you'll actually say

BEEN invited to a wedding? These are the honest reasons you cannot be bothered to go versus what you will actually say.