Jesus spent Easter Tuesday catching up on admin, says Vatican

NEWLY-RELEASED Bible verses have revealed that after his ‘lost’ Easter weekend, Jesus spent the next day trying to get his paperwork sorted out.

How to never pay your friends back for anything

ALWAYS getting mates to spot you cash with no intention of paying them back? Money-saving expert Jordan Gardner explains how to defraud your nearest and dearest:

A minuscule jewel-studded thong: five things to buy now the contactless limit is £100

THE contactless payment limit has risen from £45 to £100, so what will you be spending your frictionless money on in an economy ravaged by inflation?

Six things you've never understood about the Easter story

HAVE you been confused about Jesus’s crucifixion ever since you learned about it at school? Here are some issues that really need clarifying.

The five annoying habits of people who don't know how to argue

ARE your attempts to have a debate frequently undermined by the other person's inability to argue without being a complete twat? Here are their annoying techniques.

'What nationality are all these racists then?' wonders confused Briton

A PUZZLED Briton is wondering, since the UK has been cleared of racism, where all these racists he keeps meeting are from.

Going To The Park For A Fight: the government guidelines

AS lockdown eases, many British citizens will be heading to a park, beach or beauty spot for drunken mayhem and a punch-up. Ensure you follow the rules:

Easter and the Royals - how to explain weird, outdated shit to your kids

RAISING kids is no easy task, especially when teachers are filling their heads with toxic crap about Easter being about ‘more than just eggs’.

How to still have a horrendously inconvenient wedding with only six people

FOR thousands of couples, the dream of a huge, ruinously expensive wedding is over. But your big day can still ruin your guests’ month.

GCSE Maths questions for our modern f**ked-up world

MATHS GCSE questions are being updated to make them more relevant to our modern world of electric scooters and videogame streaming. Can you answer them?