How to convince yourself you like the home you can afford

NOBODY can afford to buy a house and renting is hell. Convince yourself you're delighted with what your budget stretches to with these lies.

Outrage as new Highway Code makes it an offence to run down cyclists

MOTORISTS are outraged by the release of a new Highway Code which, for the first time, makes it an offence to run down cyclists. 

Man in 12th floor flat feels fully safe from catastrophic rise in sea levels

A MAN who was prudent enough to buy a 12th floor flat is sure that he has no need to worry about any future four foot rise in sea levels due to climate change.

The cliched dangers of drugs, by someone who's never touched them

IS YOUR knowledge of recreational drugs based on recycled anecdotes and terrifying cliches? Stephen Malley, who has only experimented with bitter, explains the effects.

Which bollocks conspiracy theory is right for you?

BRITAIN increasingly seems to be a nation of Covid conspiracy theorists, but it can’t last forever. So if you want to obsess over paranoid nonsense, which theory to opt for?

Lunch or dinner, pastie or pasty, scone or scone? The pathetic issues that divide Britain

NOW Brexit’s over, the nation has turned eagerly to the contentious issues that divided it irrevocably in happier times.

'A damp squid' and other phrases people mangle horribly

THE English language is complex so it's easy to make mistakes. But these mangled phrases are never acceptable.

Five types of bullshit you can get away with if you're gorgeous

GORGEOUS people are better than you, and deserve to live in a world without consequences. Here’s some of the bullshit behaviour they can get away with that us regular uggos can’t:

'Buy everything': What shoppers hear when they're told not to panic buy

WONDERING why you’re seeing shoppers clear supermarket shelves despite explicitly being told they don’t have to? That’s because their panicked brains heard these thoughts instead.

Man had only just finished last year's f**king pasta

A MAN who had only just worked his way through last year’s stockpiled pasta is now wearily heading out to buy another carful.