The six best legal loopholes for a speeding fine you've made up yourself that won't work

BEEN slapped with a speeding fine? Convinced this is one of those laws that doesn’t really count? Wriggle out of paying it with these clever excuses that will convince nobody: 

‘There was a bird’

The speed camera must be mistaken. As a rule-abiding motorist you would never dream of bombing it down a dual carriageway at 100mph to a soundtrack of The Prodigy. Insist the officer check it again, and they’ll find that a pigeon in a rush to return to its nest is what set it off. If anything you should be compensated for the trauma of being wrongly accused.

‘I suffer from a mysterious medical complication’

Your obscure and un-Googleable syndrome causes your right foot to spasm and lock when you’re cruising along the A303 at 3pm on a Sunday. You would of course provide a doctor’s note but they’re still working on the condition’s Latin name. Don’t deprive this poor sufferer the money they need to find a cure.

‘F**king AI’

Artificial intelligence has ruined every facet of modern life, and your 2004 Fiat Panda is no exception. If the magistrate isn’t convinced, appeal to their emotions by pointing out that AI has deprived you of the fundamentally human joy of doing 64 in a 60 zone. Invite them to weep with you for the world we have lost, sold out to automatons. 

‘I wasn’t technically on the road’

Due to judicious swerving, your car’s wheels were either airborne or skidding over a grass verge when you broke the speed limit, and therefore the laws of the road do not apply to you. You only answer to the demands of the local wildlife, who were so unfussed they scampered away in terror or politely expired. Declare yourself free to go before the police realise you’re not kidding.

‘I suffer from a condition known as speed blindness’

Being unaware of your speed despite the illuminated dial in front of you is actually a new form of neurodivergence you’ve diagnosed yourself with, and therefore fining you amounts to discrimination. Ask the police if they can really afford a public scandal, why they hate anyone different, and if they can move their car out of your way because you need to be in Ipswich in 25 minutes so you’ll have to really bomb it. 

‘Yeah, my identity’s been stolen’ 

Identity theft is rife, and in this case they also took your car and you. Shoving you into the passenger seat, your sinister doppelgänger took the wheel, drove at 60 in a 40 zone, then fled the scene leaving no trace. Insist that the officer puts away their Fixed Penalty Notice and starts pursuing the real culprit over the hedgerow and into the woodland.

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How to survive Euro 2025 when you're bored with the Lionesses now: a guide for women

EURO 2025 kicks off today, but what if you’re a woman who was briefly into football but now isn’t really? Here’s how to survive weeks of dutiful support:

Watch for the style tips 

Admittedly this won’t take long as the only hairstyle on display is dyed blonde in a ponytail, and you’ll probably quickly reject the idea of a massive Chloe Kelly headband for everyday wear. But with 105+ tedious minutes of football to get through per match, any distraction is welcome.

Use your orgasm-faking skills

As a woman, you’re experienced in feigning excitement over a repetitive activity enjoyed mostly by men. Transfer those skills to the football – an enthusiastic gasp of ‘Yes!’ when England score sounds like you were paying attention. Obviously omit phrases like ‘Right there, on the clit’ as they sound odd. Don’t worry if your performance isn’t convincing. Alex Greenwood won’t feel crushed and start suffering erectile dysfunction.

Brace yourself for cliches 

Like any tournament, you’ll need to develop a tolerance for football cliches like ‘England need to control the tempo’ and painfully predictable references to the host nation Switzerland. Being forewarned will reduce your wincing when commentators say things like: ‘The clock’s ticking, or should I say… THE CUCKOO CLOCK!’

Enjoy the lack of gamesmanship 

Men’s football is dogged by cynical and blatant attempts to pretend you’ve been fouled by a player two metres away, but that’s less of a feature in the women’s game. The ladies will catch up, but for now enjoy the players not hurling themselves to the ground melodramatically like characters in front of an explosion in 80s action movies.

Get shitfaced 

Everyone will be getting pissed when England plays and alcohol f**ks with your time perception, so hammer the booze. Ever since football was invented men have accepted that only a lunatic would voluntarily sit through a goalless draw between Tranmere Rovers and Shrewsbury Town, and watching sport is just an excuse to get pissed anyway. Happily in these more equal times women can camouflage their alcohol dependency too.

Enjoy the scenery  

The BBC and ITV are bound to include a fair bit of Swiss scenery in their coverage, knowing TV viewers mindlessly watch even Midsomer Murders just for the pretty countryside. Doing the same will make the football more tolerable while being great practice for becoming old and senile.

Invisible earbuds

The solution to all sorts of boring situations, from cleaning to social occasions to your boyfriend’s attempts at cunnilingus. Euro 2025 will fly by as you listen to an engrossing podcast about murder. But don’t absentmindedly sing along to Brat. Justifying saying ‘I split the apple down symmetrical lines’ as support for Georgia Stanway is hard and will force you to use your mind, which is not the point of watching football.