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Anyone who says 'I couldn't have done it without you' is lying

THE phrase ‘I couldn’t have done it without you’ is a lie in every circumstance in which it is used without exception, research has found.

A lexicological investigation has revealed that whether the statement is being made by a CEO, a charitable organiser, a headteacher, the leader of an SAS squad operating behind enemy lines or the Pope, it is demonstrably untrue.

Researcher Jo Kramer said: “When, as a bridesmaid, I was told the wedding simply could not have been organised without me, my suspicions were aroused. Because I did piss all.

“Nikki was desperate to get hitched. Does she honestly expect us to believe that without a WhatApp group saying ‘oh those flowers are lovely’ she would have been unable to book a venue, choose a dress and persuade Craig that he couldn’t do any better?

“Based on this, we looked into other occasions and found they were no better suited to the phrase’s use. On around 90 per cent it’s being used by the person who’s done all the work, is fully aware it’s untrue and is actually pretty resentful about it.

“Oddly it’s rarely used in situations where it’s appropriate, like after sex, to the other drivers in a multi-car pile-up or when being a complete freeloader at work who nonetheless expects credit.”

Head of research Professor Charlotte Phelps said: “Thanks for all your hard work, Jo. We couldn’t have done this without you.”

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Six traumatic memories from taking your child to his first football match

YOUR son’s first football match should be a wonderful bonding experience you’ll treasure forever, but instead all this shit happens: 

Parking the car

A train packed with lagered-up men in Stone Island quivering with repressed violence doesn’t seem ideal for an eight-year-old, so you drive. And an hour before a 12.30pm kick-off at Villa Park you’re in stationary traffic in bloody Handsworth looking for a suburban street where you can leave the car without it getting kicked in. Your swearing is copious.

Going to the pub

No kids allowed in the pub before the match? You’d never even noticed the absence of under 18s while savouring your pre-match pint, but apparently it’s been the case for some 20 years. Also, leaving him outside with pop and crisps unprotected from marauding rival fans ended in the early 1980s. Bollocks. You’re watching the game sober.

Seating in the upper tier

You surely can’t be that far away, given how expensive the seats were? It’s not Taylor f**king Swift, they play here 30 times a year, but it looks like you’re peering at a sodding Subbuteo game from the attic. He’s excitedly asking about his favourite players and all you can do is point vaguely and lie through your teeth, you shit parent.

Half-time refreshments

Bugger all happened in the first half, so he’s demanding a Balti pie. Keen to salvage a positive from this disaster, you agree, trek down to the concourse, queue for 20 minutes, and get fleeced for that, chips and a Coke. By the time you’re back in your seats you’ve missed a contentious VAR decision, which is the whole point of football these days.

Hate speech

Belatedly, you realise how restrained your pre-game language was. Now he’s joining in with choruses of ‘Jackie Grealish, what a wanker’, and ‘Who’s the bastard in the black?’ with remarkable gusto. You pray he’ll forget them by the time you get home, but you know that he’s carefully noted all of them for the playground in two weeks’ time.

The game was shit

Five games, 12 goals, and yours was a nil-nil. He says as you’re leaving he doesn’t want to support Aston Villa any more, dad, and can he have a Man City shirt for his birthday? You trudge a mile and a half back to your car, have an angry argument with a suburbanite, and book your wife and daughter a trip to see Villa WFC play Leicester as revenge.

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