LOVEMAKING can be neglected when you’re attending to the needs of a screaming fountain of piss and drool who looks like your bald uncle Paul, but smaller.
This is nature’s way of stopping you making the same mistake twice. But if you believe regular orgasms are a human right, waste precious bedtimes on these doomed strategies:
Exhausted role-play
Trying to get it on silently so you don’t wake the beast in the Moses basket? Turn it into a sex fantasy. Pretend you’re spies in the Kremlin who must shag without Khrushchev overhearing in order to end the Cuban Missile Crisis. It doesn’t have to make sense, you’re f**king knackered and will fall blissfully asleep while being given head.
Book a babysitter
Traditionally, a babysitter stays in the house with the baby while you go out and try to remember who you used to be. Asking her to keep the child quiet while you nip upstairs to shag will likely raise alarms, so send her to a playground or model railway or whatever. It’s been a while, ten minutes is all you’ll need.
Bring in some sex toys
The traditional penis-in-vagina method reminds you of how your bundle of joy was conceived, resulting in both parties hiding in separate wardrobes. So while you’re in there dig out the bag of mad and adventurous sex toys you bought ages ago in lockdown. When they inevitably wake the baby, flog them on Vinted with the newborn stuff he’s outgrown.
Get a new fetish
If your wife whipping her boob out for it to be gnawed on by a bald, angry miniature you means tits aren’t doing it for you anymore, it might be time to develop a new sexual fascination. Feet are good, if a little tame. Armpits? Jowls? If you could get yourself into fetishising bags under eyes you’d be constantly hard.
Masturbate separately in the shower
You’re never going to have sex again and don’t want to. That’s what parenthood is about. It’s time to begin 18-28 years of manually managing your sexual needs alone in the bathroom, but make sure you’re multitasking while showering or you’re being a selfish bastard by leaving your partner alone with the baby.
69ing
Efficient. Saves time. Means you’re both too busy to watch the baby on the monitor. Just make sure to disengage before you both tumble gratefully into unconsciousness, or waking up will be quite the jolt.
