TEMPTED to make your shagging record sound a bit more impressive? Here are some entirely made-up conquests you can probably get away with.
Hot woman at your hotel on holiday you never spoke to
She was German or maybe Swedish, you didn’t pay that much attention because you were too busy having sex during this whirlwind holiday romance to bother with small talk. This woman did exist on an actual holiday you went on, it’s just that your relationship was limited to occasionally seeing her in the hotel foyer. Her name? Er… Helga. Let’s hope your mates don’t remember the character from ‘Allo ‘Allo!.
Girl from the sixth-form there is a 0.000001% chance of your friends knowing
You’ve known your current group of friends for ages, but not long enough for them to be familiar with your sixth-form days. And so they won’t be able to disprove the existence of Rachel, who you had many red hot youthful sexual experiences with during A-levels. Was she fit, your mates ask? Quite pretty, you say, for a cunning note of authenticity.
The university girlfriend(s)
Hardly anyone goes to uni with their mates, except rich kids who all seem to mysteriously know each other. This gives you carte blanche to invent one or more fictional girlfriends. But beware of a friend whipping out his phone and going: ‘Bet she’s on Facebook!’ Luckily there’s a simple solution to this: simply say her name is Emma Smith, or Kate Jones, or similar. Even the sad bastards who constitute your best mates aren’t pathetic enough to scroll through 200 tedious Facebook entries.
The temp in the office of your first job who moved back to Australia
Your friends hopefully won’t find it unusual that you never mentioned this stunning woman before, despite you generally being quite forthcoming about past relationships. Anyway, ‘Caroline’ moved back to Perth after a year in the UK, which is a thing Australians do so that bit is true at least. Moving back to Oz is a nice touch. You can sound slightly wistful and get sympathy for being a sensitive type reflecting on what might have been. Also it is f**king impossible to check.
A married woman
Obviously you kept this quiet at the time because it was an extramarital affair. And it’s unlikely your friends will badger you over an awkward, grown-up infidelity situation. Except Gavin, who will ask if you’ve got a picture of her tits. Obviously shagging someone who’s married with kids puts you in dubious moral territory if everything comes crashing down, but since it’s a pathetic lie you’re in the clear.
The gorgeous one in a made-up pop band
Really get an ego boost by claiming you’ve had sex with a Z-list celeb. Music history is littered with forgotten manufactured pop acts, so make up a member of one you’ve shagged. The trick here is to make your friends feel as though they should know who she is. Exasperatedly say: ‘Oh come on, you must remember Kim from All*Ure!’ Obviously they didn’t follow the dregs of the 90s girlband scene, so Kim will sound real. And since your friends have never met anyone famous this gains you the same male kudos as having shagged all of Girls Aloud.
