IS a teenage friend or family member getting their A-level results today? It’s a stressful and emotional time, so show some sensitivity when you talk to them. Like this…
‘You’ll see your friends when they come home from uni’
Despite Clearing, teenagers with really bad grades may not get in anywhere and be stuck in their hometown. Reassure them they won’t lose touch with their friends – they’ll be back in the holidays, gushing like maniacs about uni life, bands, drugs and shags. Won’t that be fun?
‘Not everyone at Durham is a wanker’
Your teenage acquaintance may have missed out on the prestigious Oxford place they sweated blood for, but there’s bound to be a small enclave of alienated normal people at Durham they can make friends with. And you’re sure Durham will lose its reputation for being full of sickeningly middle-class Oxbridge rejects any decade now!
‘Angela’s daughter went to Plymouth and she loved it’
A wonderfully comforting thing to say to someone not going to their first choice of uni. So long as they don’t remember Angela’s daughter was a total dullard with no interest in academia, or indeed knowing things in general, who now earns very little at a shitty letting agency she could have worked for as soon as she could drive.
‘Einstein didn’t have a degree’
This is well worth bearing in mind. Or would be if it wasn’t total bollocks and, as you might expect, Einstein was highly-qualified with a degree in Maths and a Phd in Physics. That said, it’s probably best your teenage relative isn’t going to uni if they’re thick enough to believe an urban myth that instantly sounds dodgy to anyone with a basic familiarity with the internet.
‘Lots of people go through Clearing’
Clearing is indeed not a disaster, assuming you’ve not screwed up so badly you’ve dropped down from Medicine at St Andrews to Mime & Vegan Hospitality Management at the University of Bedfordshire. The only problem is that protesting too much that Clearing isn’t for losers strongly implies it actually is for losers, so you may as well be guffawing: ‘Where are you going? The UNIVERSITY OF WOODEN SPOON? Hahaha! Suck it up, durr-brain!’
‘You can always read about history in your spare time’
A favourite of older relatives who haven’t been to uni and don’t grasp that it’s also about gaining a valuable qualification, leaving home, getting laid, and so on. Yes, a valid substitute for university is reading boring texts about the Corn Laws as a hobby which serves as a constant reminder that you have failed in life. It sounds f**king marvellous.
‘Not going to university doesn’t mean your life is over’
Very true – their life isn’t over. It’s just the alternate future where they were happier, wealthier and more successful that’s over. Definitely cheer up someone who’s had their dreams crushed this morning with a cheerful reminder that, on the upside, they’re not dead.
