Six other conspiracy theories that prove it wasn't a white man who did it

30th May 2025

THE Liverpool parade crash suspect is in court today while rumours continue to swirl online that the real culprit was not a white man. As in these cases:

JFK assassination, November 1963

Initially pinned on Lee Harvey Oswald, online commentators knew he was a patsy by virtue of his skin colour. So who was responsible? Using nothing but video evidence and their own prejudices, sleuths soon found the culprit: a 23-year-old Syrian man who came illegally to the UK in 2022. So far he has provided no alibi.

Death of Princess Diana, August 1997

Henri-Paul was not driving that car. Nor was Dodi. Instead, as the kind of gay lark enjoyed by the heedless upper-classes, they pulled over and invited a homeless man to drive for them as a ‘tremendous hoot’. That man’s name? Mr Taliban Isis.

9/11, September 2001

Can you believe we were so backward in the 00s that brown men committed an atrocity and we tried to prove it was really white men? Idiots. So yeah, 9/11 was still an inside job by the CIA but they didn’t realise they were actually being manipulated by Bin Laden all along. It’s like a racist onion.

The Troubles, late 1960s-1998

The Catholics are white. The Protestants are white. The British Army are white. How could they possibly be in conflict? There has to be a sinister mastermind manipulating both sides into decades of violence, and evidence suggests it was Dalit who runs the shop near Craig’s flat and won’t serve him anymore after an incident last Friday with some cans.

Lee losing his licence, November 2023

Not one that made headlines perhaps, but how is it possible for a white Englishman and expert motorist with a full collection of Top Gear VHS tapes to be banned after one incident of being caught driving slowly and carefully while five or six times over the alcohol limit? I’ve seen some of these magistrates, they’re Indian.

Brexit, June 2016-March 2020

Ruinous act of geopolitical knobheadery that’s left us all poorer, and they say it was the whites did it? Anyone could have voted in that referendum. Classic false flag operation that, where they let in immigrants specially to do it and frame the white indigenous and make them look stupid. You still believe the official story then you’re the thick one, mate.

The top eight meals for irrevocably ruining your clothes

30th May 2025

PLANNING to eat food in the near future? Avoid these foodstuffs that seem to take sadistic pleasure in ruining your clothes.

Beetroot

The pickled testicles of Satan with a taste to match. Why did you decide to eat these in the first place? Now you’ve insanely opted to have some on the side of your salad, extracting the bastards from the jar will splash their indelible juice on your shirt. No amount of Vanish will help, and as a bonus you’ll go for a shit tomorrow and panic because you think your arse has haemorrhaged.

Doner kebab

Kebabs are designed to fall to shit the moment you try to eat one, which you’ll think is because you’re pissed, not realising chip shop staff just balance them together like that for a laugh. The grease will go everywhere, as will the chilli sauce, and in the morning your top will be both filthy and stink. You may have a distressing flashback of picking up a choice bit of meat from the pavement.

Pot Noodles

It’s a little-known fact that Pot Noodles are actually living, evil entities, hell-bent on wrecking your jeans. The malevolent little bastards will wait until you’ve cleared the safety zone of the pot en route to your mouth before making a kamikaze leap at your groin. Thwart them by boiling the kettle, filling the pot, then chucking the whole thing in the bin where it belongs.

Cheese Wotsits

Thanks to their orange, glow-in-the-dark, loosely-cheese-flavoured coating, you need to be sure to lick your fingers clean after popping each mouthful in. But you’re watching telly and not concentrating, so your subliminal instinct to absent-mindedly wipe them on your T-shirt will kick in. Under no circumstances eat them while watching porn or you’ll end up with a bright orange cock like you suspect Trump must have.

Chocolate ice cream

Ice cream is a shit idea when it comes to eating without getting in a mess. By definition you’ll want one when it’s sunny and warm, but the bastard will be melting before you’ve even handed over your cash to the man in the van. By the time you’ve clumsily finished, everyone else in the park will think you’ve wiped your arse on your new blouse.

Coq au Vin

You’ll have a good giggle at the name on the menu of the horribly dated bistro you’re in, but the red wine will have the last laugh. Drips will inevitably find their way from fork to shirt and take up permanent residence. And no, you can’t get it out by putting white wine on it. You’ll just be wasting white wine. And encouraging people to make bullshit ‘life hack’ TikToks.

Pizza

Pizzas look sturdy enough in the box, and even have a reassuring crust to pick slices up by. But as they travel from the box to your mouth they’ll go floppier than Prince Andrew at a 40-plus speed dating night. The tomato sauce will make a beeline for your trousers and Domino’s is always good for a large grease stain. That’ll teach you to make a sandwich instead of being a fat lazy bastard.

Anything with f**king turmeric

Many genres of Asian cuisine use turmeric, not because it tastes of anything, but because it adds a unique shade of orange to sauces which otherwise look like diarrhoea. Unfortunately it’ll also stain your clothes a gaudy shade of tangerine. And never be tempted to go all middle-class and buy the pure root form to cook with at home, unless you want fingers that look like you’re a 50-a-day smoker for the rest of your life.