I’VE always dreamt of being a police community support officer, so I jumped at the chance to confront the worst type of criminal scum threatening our society: fare dodgers.
As shadow justice secretary, I’d been asked to take part in a prestigious Channel 5 documentary in which I would tackle the issue of fare evasion on the Tube in person. So I arrived in full PCSO uniform I had rented from a TV costume company: stab vest, fluorescent jacket, a hat like a real policeman’s if you don’t look too closely. The power was intoxicating.
Unfortunately the producer was adamant that we could not do anything that involved impersonating a police officer. No matter. I would take down the villains in my normal clothes. Being an undercover PCSO was even more exciting!
And so we began a tense stake-out of Stratford East underground station. After just two hours of waiting, criminal mayhem erupted in front of me. A man in a suspicious blue shirt slipped through a closing barrier – clearly a career criminal living the high life on all the £2.90 fares he was saving.
‘D’you wanna go back to the barrier and pay?’ I said menacingly. At which point he just walked off, because, like a PCSO, I’m not actually authorised to make arrests. But I could tell the minor inconvenience had made him think twice about tangling with the law in the future.
Another adrenalin-pumping incident soon followed. A man wandered through an open barrier so I confusingly asked him if he was carrying a knife because I’d misheard him telling me to move. He walked off too. ‘Do you feel lucky, punk?’ I shouted after him. He got the message.
I was eager to apprehend more dangerous criminals, but the producer said we’d got enough footage so my short but highly worthwhile stint as a ‘police officer’ came to an end. As well as upholding the law I would be on TV, which is important if I’m going to become leader instead of that snooty cow Badenoch.
And, of course, I still had my rented PCSO uniform, which I thought would be ideal for some saucy bedroom roleplay with my wife that evening. ‘No,’ she said. ‘You’re enough of a wanker as it is.’ I don’t care. I am the law.
