Woman hears boyfriend voicing contrary opinion in his head

29th May 2025

A MAN has been shocked to learn that his partner can hear any of his inner thoughts that express dissent.

Martin Bishop made the discovery during a minor argument with girlfriend Ellie Shaw about how he scoops out large lumps of Lurpak from the tub instead of neatly scraping it from the top.

Bishop said: “Ellie was annoyed about the way the spread always has ‘craters’ in it, and claimed her toast goes cold while she’s smoothing it back down.

“For the sake of an easy life I agreed to make sure the spread was smooth before I put it back in the fridge. But in my head I was thinking: ‘Christ, there’s more to life than sodding spread being flat.’

“Ellie immediately said: ‘Yes, there’s more to life than spread. Such as sex, which is frankly less likely to happen if you don’t stop pissing me off with all your annoying lazy-arsed habits.’

“What the f**k? She must have read my mind. Is she psychic? This is terrifying. Is she listening to every thought in my head 24/7? It’s like that Twilight Zone episode with the evil telepathic kid. I’d better start watching what I’m thinking about Dianne Buswell during Strictly.

“Or can Ellie only read my mind when I’m thinking something she doesn’t like? I reckon it’s that, because while I was thinking it Ellie said: ‘Yes, that’s how it works.’ I’m scared.”

Shaw said: “Actually I can’t read Martin’s mind, he’s just incredibly predictable and easy to read. I’d rather not know his thoughts because I’m pretty sure it’s all shit like ‘Can a shark can swim faster than Usain Bolt can run?’”

Lovely shared activities for couples, and when you'll stop doing them together

29th May 2025

ARE you in the honeymoon stage of a relationship and love doing everything together? That will soon change. Here’s when, and how annoying your true love will have become.

Six months: holding hands

When you first started dating you couldn’t let go of each other, even if it meant taking up the entire pavement and forcing other pedestrians to walk in the gutter. Six months in, you’ll snatch your hand away as soon as they try to grasp it in their own cold, clammy fingers, triggering a hurt expression and several passive-aggressive comments.

Three years: the big shop

The first year of big shops after you moved in together were opportunities to show off your happiness in public: whispering sweet nothings and giggling as you perused the oranges, clogging up the aisle with your trolley as you discussed what to buy for a romantic dinner. Fast forward three years and you do it separately on alternate weeks, grateful for an hour and a half to yourself.

10 years: socialising

At first you adored hanging out with each other’s friends, and were the sort of group who irritated everyone else in restaurants by laughing incredibly loudly at each other’s jokes. But now that everyone is middle-aged and bitter about it, you can’t be arsed making an effort for anyone apart from your own mates. And even they get on your tits, if you’re honest.

15 years: having sex

Even couples who bang five times a week at the beginning eventually tire of their partner’s familiar, rapidly-sagging flesh. After five years you’ll be down to once a month and by 15 you’ll both have realised you haven’t done it for 18 months. After a brief and excruciating attempt to ‘spice things up’, you’ll silently both admit defeat and only ever see your partner naked when they leave the bathroom door open while examining their skin tags.

20 years: sleeping in the same bed

The received wisdom is that not sleeping in the same bed means your relationship is effectively over, but 20 years in you’re basically housemates anyway, so what does it matter? The bliss of not having to put up with a snoring, farting lump every night will briefly make you feel like you might rekindle some passion for each other. Only briefly, though. Once you’ve acclimatised to a solid eight hours sleep a night, sharing a bed will be like sleep deprivation torture.

40 years: sullenly watching TV together

By the time you’re pensioners, the only activity you’ll still do together is watching five hours of TV every night. You won’t be able to agree what to watch, so you’ll compromise by choosing things that are utterly dull and sit there wondering if you’ve wasted your life on the mouth-breathing moron next to you. This shared activity will eventually cease too, but this time due to death. Which is depressing, but preferable to another series of Great British Railway Journeys.