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It's only DOGE, tariffs, Ukraine and annexing Canada where you've completely failed, US reassures Trump

THE US public has urged Donald Trump to continue with his radical presidency and not be put off by every single thing he has done so far failing.

Voters, whether they backed Trump or Harris, have told the president not to give up or be discouraged by four months in which not one headline policy has had a positive outcome, and to forge boldly on.

Voter Billy McKay of Kansas said: “Ukraine and Russia couldn’t be ended in a day, huh? Who knew?

“All judges are biased Democrat activists obviously, but strictly in legal terms our buying more vanilla from Madagascar than we sell them Cadillacs is not a national emergency requiring urgent tariffs.

“DOGE? Elon’s plan of not knowing anything about government and firing more or less at random should have worked. Except it f**ked his business and the whole world hates him.

“And Canada? Who could possibly have predicted joking about them being a province of the US would lead to them electing a left-winger explicitly opposed to you?

“Don’t let any of that put you off for even a moment, Donny. You’re the best. What’s next? Illegally deporting US citizens to a foreign torture prison or five-star beach resort Gaza?

“Brilliant ideas. They’ll turn this around.”

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Labour nationalises Rod Stewart's railway

THE government has brought Rod Stewart’s model railway into public ownership despite the star’s protests, it has emerged.

The huge 156-square-metre model has been expropriated by the state, with transport secretary Heidi Alexander saying Britain’s miniature railway infrastructure “must serve the public and not just a small minority of 1970s music legends”.

Defending the decision, Alexander said: “Public ownership will reduce waste, save taxpayers’ money and help link poorly connected model towns, providing much-needed economic stimulus for the tiny plastic people who live in them.

“Rod’s railway will also be easy to maintain due to its low labour costs. The miniature plastic conductors, stationmasters and engineers don’t have to be paid a salary, and they can’t unionise or go on strike because they’re glued in place.”

Stewart, who has spent 23 years constructing the ‘Three Rivers City’ model in his rock star mansion, reacted furiously, claiming the move marked the end of private property and that Britain was “turning into Zimbabwe”.

He fumed: “It starts with my railway, and if we let them get away with this then they’ll come for your Airfix models and Warcraft dioramas. Where will it end? Snatching Lego Duplo out of your children’s gummy mouths?”

However the relocation of the railway has faced a legal challenge from environmentalists, who say it is a protected conservation area due to Stewart inadvertently gluing a small plastic Peregrine Falcon to a tree.

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