WAKING up with a hangover so intense that the buzzing from my head is a danger to overhead air traffic communications, I reflect on another busy ecclesiastical week.
In order to keep pace with the times, I proposed a rewrite of The Lord’s Prayer, in language more contemporary and relevant to the 21st century. Labouring for several hard minutes, I came up with the following.
Our Father, Mother, Caregiver, What the fuck ever,
Harold be thy name. Harold. Why the fuck not? It’s just a fucking name.
Your People’s Republic come,
Your will be done, so long as it’s not some bollocks about rapists being compelled to marry their victims like in Deuteronomy.
On earth as it isn’t in Heaven or Fairyland or wherever,
Give us this day our daily beer,
And forgive us our sins because let’s face it, the shitshow of a world you created doesn’t give us much fucking choice but to sin.
And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from that cunt Farage.
I believe the meter needs a little polish, but parishioners think otherwise and the new rendering has been a great success, prompting the heartwarming sight of children on YouTube chanting the new verse with infant gusto.
Quietly repeating the verse with a merry hum I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read about Winston Aubrey Aladar Marshall, son of GB News owner Paul Marshall and previously of Mumford & Sons fame. He is now a ‘free speech’ YouTuber and has advocated blockading the English Channel with mines to prevent small boats supposedly crammed with men of ‘military age’ reaching our shores.
Fuck me bandy, not so much a rags to riches story as a twat to cunt story! From shit musical artist to evil fucking bastard! I mean, what’s the story here? Are you so short of money you need to grift like this? Not fucking likely, so what kind of weird, Satanic urge has rotted your brain? And what kind of media ecosystem allows a toxic turd like you to spread your viral poison for no other palpable reason than just because you fucking can? You are the literal Hell-product of the actual Devil’s semen and the sooner you’re exorcised the fucking better! The priest can cast out your fucking music while he’s at it!
Kemi Badenoch has spoken out about the recent antisemitic attack in which two Jewish men and a Muslim man were stabbed by a man with mental health issues. She has blamed leftist protestors obsessed with Gaza and oblivious to realities ‘on the ground’.
Really, Kemi? And which patch of ground would that be? The fucking West Bank, where the IDF is shooting civilians with impunity and not a fucking peep from your bigoted mouth? Let’s face it, you’re not most people’s first choice for an accurate account of ‘realities’ – a fucking idiot who uses footage of Bloody Sunday on social media to argue against investigating army crimes in Northern Ireland, and who’s so terminally afflicted with foot-in-mouth disease you shouldn’t be allowed within 100 metres of a fucking microphone!
Among the parties fielding candidates in the local elections was one calling itself The Motoring Party. Some of their urgent priorities are to abolish all foreign aid, reintroduce grammar schools and, above all, make life easier for drivers of motor cars.
Hahaha, the Monster Racing Loony Party! Just what we fucking need, a peripheral bunch of fucking nutjobs wasting ink on ballot papers with their back of a beermat bullshit! Yes, we should definitely be keeping that hole in the ozone layer nice and wide with walnut-brained Little Englanders making pointless car journeys because it’s not evil socialist public transport! Let’s do as much driving as possible and create so much air pollution we have to clean our fingernails every fucking ten minutes! Cunts!
Finally, as more election results come in, it’s clear that, as predicted, Reform UK have made big gains across the UK.
Yes, as predicted by the BBC, and practically fucking manufactured by them too with their eternal, slavish, uncritical hard-on for Reform and the fucking far right! Thanks, Question Time, for bringing us to the brink of fucking fascism! Thanks for David Attenborough too, obviously, but right now it’s mainly thanks for Nigel fucking pissing cunting twatting fucking Farage, isn’t it?
