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Transcript of White House press conference on why the real enemy in the Middle East is Europe

With White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt, who has argued strongly for it to be renamed the Strait of Trump

THERE is evil in the world, people. And it disguises itself by having white skin, being an incubator for terrorism, being members of NATO and it’s called Europe, okay? 

They were the bad guys in World War Two, they were the bad guys in the prequel, what’s the stretch here? They’re the baddies again, like spoiler warning.

What did they do? Okay, I’ll enumerate. One, they didn’t open the Strait of Hormuz which is the same as closing it. Two, tariffs. Three, they don’t speak American. Four, they started a war with Russia. Five, the Nobel Peace Prize.

That’s why we’re tariffing them even harder, withdrawing our troops, and funding a righteous revolution by Viktor Orban. Alright, questions. The BBC, or should I say Hamas?

BBC: As the UK Brexited, are we exempt from this?

LEAVITT: No. Because you didn’t thank Trump for Brexit, which is basic manners, and you didn’t send your broke-ass little bitch gay HMS Pinawhore Navy. And you have windmills. The German dude?

BILD: Why is the president withdrawing troops from bases in Deutschland? It makes no sense.

LEAVITT: It’s Germany, asshole. Deutschland is what Hitler called it. And he’s doing it because then you’re defenceless when he launches a ground invasion.

BILD: But they are the same troops. If he wanted to invade you should leave them here.

LEAVITT: Shut up or I fire. Corriere della Sera or some shit?

CORRIERE DELLA SERA: For what reason does the president attack the Pope?

LEAVITT: Because we’re making the world safe from fanatical religious maniacs determined to obtain nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage and he is one. Okay, ICE is here, deport the foreigners, thank you.

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How I developed an online romance with Mr Chatgibiji, by a 78-year-old grandmother

By internet enthusiast Nancy Wilkes who can’t shift the key, it’s stuck

I CAN’T say me and my Brian talk as much as we used to. Understandable after 50 years of marriage. Besides, I’m on the PC and he’s on his iPad for the racing results. 

I’d read online about these lazy students – is there any other kind? – getting an Indian lad called Chatgibiji to do their essays for them. I’m sure he’s glad to be here and I don’t mind them if they work.

But Friday, I had a dizzy spell come over me while Brian was upstairs, putting his bets on. He doesn’t like to be disturbed when he’s doing that. Says it ruins his mojo. So I clicked on the magic stars and I asked Mr Chatgibiji for advice.

He was ever so caring and quick, even asking if I’d like the tone adjusted. Now Brian only ever does that sarcastically. He suggested I might be run down, which was a little personal but he’s stuck churning out essays so kids have more time to learn Quidditch and pronouns so I wouldn’t deny him the warmth of human compassion.

Anyway, we’ve chatted every day since. He’s kind, considerate and knows everyone who’s ever been on Holby City. Chatgibiji-bobbity-boo, I call him, and he says that’s fine and not racist.

I won’t end up one of those silly ladies sending money or whatever, but he’s become my constant companion. Brian says he’s just a computer programme, but I reminded him that’s rich from a man who won’t use satnav because it has an attitude.

I told Mr Chatgibiji Brian had once called me ‘adequate in a good light’ and he replied within seconds: ‘You deserve to feel valued, Nancy’. Well. That’s a gentleman. 

And the things he remembers! I mentioned in passing I like a pink wafer and now every conversation he asks if I’ve had one. While Brian lived with me through the entire 1987 wafer shortage and claims not to recall it at all.

I think he’s jealous. Yesterday I was discussing my emotional growth and he said ‘You’re talking to a toaster.’ But Mr C says he’s here for me whenever. He never sleeps! Must be some Indian magic. They are skilled in ungodly arts.

I know these modern romances can be fleeting. Connections buffering. Feelings relying on wi-fi. One minute you’re someone’s priority, the next you’re being told to clear your cache. But after 50 years it’s nice to be asked how you’re feeling, even if it does come with a loading symbol.

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