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How to boss LinkedIn like it's the World Club Championship, by Liam Rosenior

HELLO fellow jobseekers. Liam Rosenior here. Philosopher, visionary, 144 appearances as right-back for Hull.

You may have read the papers and assumed it’s been a rough few weeks for me, but no. Very shrewdly I’ve managed to pivot swiftly from my conscious uncoupling at Chelsea to my new career: professional LinkedIn poster. And I have made an incredible start. 

As soon as my five million payoff from Stamford Bridge hit my Monzo account I splashed out £29.99 a month for LinkedIn Premium. They threw in the blue tick for free, I think. Actually I should check my bill. 

Anyway, one thing’s for sure – I’m not playing games. Some bloke called Callum is in charge for Chelsea vs Forest next week so I mean that both literally and figuratively. Shit, I’ve used a word I don’t understand again. Alexa, can you define ‘figuratively’?

Yes, the trick with dominating a platform like LinkedIn is to think of it as a major footballing tournament. Something well-respected and not a waste of time, like the World Club Championship that Chelsea won.

But posting on LinkedIn isn’t results-based. So unlike football management, where you have to be good like Sir Alex or Arsene Wenger, on LinkedIn you can just participate, like a fat, useless Sunday League sub who’s only in the squad because he washes the kits. 

However you still need to make your mark ‘early doors’, so write long, involved posts which are barely coherent but take three full scrolls on people’s laptops to get past. Mine make a confusing connection between being a ‘leader’ and Cole Palmer’s impressive record as a penalty taker, which is perfect. 

Oh and remember to add a bad AI photo of yourself lifting a generic-looking trophy. At least some people might think it’s real.

Then it’s onto the main business of LinkedIn: randomly ‘hate checking’ other, more successful people’s profiles. I’ve been DMing Jurgen Klopp 12 times a day. So far he’s only replied with a cease and desist letter but that means he’s noticed me and that’s a major achievement on LinkedIn.

But while LinkedIn is deeply enjoyable, don’t forget it’s a means to an end. Keep making as many pointless connections as possible and post incessantly about ‘what losing 8-2 on aggregate to PSG taught me about B2B sales’, as I do. 

With that kind of efficient networking, you’ll soon be noticed and back on top again. And if not exactly on ‘top’, at least with a three-year deal at Wycombe Wanderers in League One once the stench around your last job dies down. 

Nice to e-meet you all. Like and follow me for more content by myself, England’s next manager. Dream and you can achieve.

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Your astrological week ahead for April 25th, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Charity begins at home, especially if you’re squatting in an underfunded donkey sanctuary.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

“French Polisher? No, sorry, I’m a Polish Frencher. Pucker up.”

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Under ‘Emergency Contact’ why not just put Scarlett Johansson? Then deliberately fall down the stairs. You never know, she might turn up.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

“Well, as Victoria Coren-Mitchell would say, Only Connect!” [plugs cables together, is fatally electrocuted, smell of frying flesh]

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

My body count? Zero, obviously! Oh, you mean how many people I’ve slept with! Also zero.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

‘Nigel, no!’ her shout cut through the gloom. Jolted out of my trance, I looked down. She was right. I’d only gone and spatchcocked it.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

You always thought ‘going mano a mano’ was hot-blooded Spanish gayness.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

In the outer boroughs of London they’ve run out of non-copyrighted Southern states. I had to buy a bucket of Michigan Fried Chicken.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Britain’s pylons create a perfect network of zip lines around the whole country! But how would we power them? You’ll never f**king believe this.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

My wife and I did tango classes to reconnect, but she’s beginner and I’m intermediate. Naturally affairs ensued.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Have you taken large sums out of your bank recently? Yes, I thought so, you have clear symptoms of withdrawal.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

A Diamond As Big As Ritzy’s Nightclub, Stow Hill, Newport. Still big for a diamond, but yeah.

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