THE minimum age to become a train driver is being lowered to 18, but can lazy, vape-addicted, teenage masturbators be trusted with the responsibility? Obviously not. Here’s why.
Passengers won’t be able to understand them
Gen Z speak their own gibberish made-up language, so every announcement by train drivers will be something like: ‘Big yikes, gotta spill the tea on a major fail in 4k that’s so not rizz, bruh. Cheugy, fam!’ How this is meant to inform passengers that the train will now terminate at Glasgow Central is anyone’s guess.
They’ll be live-streaming it
All teenagers love live-streaming so will be doing it while they’re driving a train. They’ll be so busy responding to comments they’ll hurtle through stations they’re meant to stop at, rendering rail journeys pointless. It will also generate more insanely boring content, like their TikTok videos of dancing around or trying on clothes. Older people will be nostalgic for the high quality video content of yesteryear like Streetmate, Balls of Steel and Snog Marry Avoid?.
Wanking will cause rail disasters
Teenagers’ addiction to internet porn will result in a death toll of tens of thousands. Drivers’ attention will be entirely focused on masturbating when BOOM! 180 tonnes of metal travelling at 125mph slams into the buffers at Euston, sending train wheels tearing through Burger King and decapitating people waiting for delayed Avanti trains. Nothing will be left of the Gen Z driver, except perhaps a cracked Samsung showing the final cumshot of an implausible MILF threesome scenario.
Vape fumes will obscure hazards
All young people vape constantly, so drivers’ cabs will rapidly fill up with a thick fug of vapour limiting visibility to a few inches. People or animals straying onto the tracks will instantly be reduced to mince, and a fallen tree or landslide will result in hundreds of deaths. All due to Gen Z’s love of ‘Peppermint Mango Oregano Ice’ or whatever nonsense they’re huffing on these days.
Crocs will slip off the dead man’s switch
Gen Z love Crocs, but these hideous clog-like shoes made of plastic will slip off the dead man’s pedal and activate the emergency brakes. As you’re hurled face-first into the luggage rack at the end of the carriage like a rag doll and maimed for life, will you still think 18-year-olds driving trains is a good idea? Will you?
They are all radicalised incels
As the Netflix drama Adolescence proves, all male teenagers have been radicalised by incel chat rooms and now want to murder all women after seeing superficially harmless emojis like a smiley face, which in incel code means ‘The callous bitches are laughing at you for being a virgin’. Female passengers will have to be constantly vigilant – teenage incels won’t bother to stab you in a car park when they can just shove you off the train at 90mph on the outskirts of Stafford.
They’ll leave the cab to check their spots
Unlike the overweight 50-something men who traditionally drive trains, teenagers are covered in disgusting spots. It’s hard to squeeze their rancid pustules while holding a camera phone, so drivers will leave their cabs and go to the train toilet to do it. Result? A head-on collision with another train whose driver is doing the same thing, causing upwards of 800 fatalities. The most tragic irony is that picking at spots only makes them worse.
