EVER noticed that when a pal is accused of something egregious or illegal, they’re entirely blameless? On these seven occasions you’re always hearing a misunderstood hero:
A speeding fine
Breaking the law? No, that 20mph speed camera is a cynical money-making scheme instituted by a corrupt government. So blazing down the street at 47mph in school hours makes your cousin a modern Guy Fawkes.
Kicked out of a pub
You’re forced to agree that it was ‘disproportionate’ while suspecting if you scratched beneath the surface of the ‘harmless fun’ your mate was involved in, pint glasses were thrown by a pissed-up arsehole.
Being scammed
The elderly and vulnerable always have our sympathy when targeted by predatory scammers. The same doesn’t hold when Steve at work sends £500 to an OnlyFans model and only gets ‘one or two mediocre feet pics’.
Forgetting Mum’s birthday
Birthdays are confusing, occurring as they do at the same time every year. Could your brother have just put ‘Mum Bday’ into his calendar? No, it’s her fault for being born so close to the end of Q2.
Bad online purchases
Why didn’t Amazon specifically say ‘this television is too wide for your chimney breast’? Because they were deliberately ripping your mate off, not because he didn’t bother measuring before ordering. ‘The bastards,’ you agree, lying.
Drinking too much before a crucial job interview
Your poor, long-suffering gal pal. She was only trying to settle her nerves with three cosmopolitans and a tequila shot. The interviewer shouldn’t have judged her for that. Shit f**king job anyway, no sense of humour.
Being dumped
So what if he repeatedly cheated on his girlfriend? That’s no excuse for her to, after multiple final warnings, break up with him. And only three months after his birthday, too, the bitch.
