The Archbishop of Canterbury on… Jeffrey Archer, philanthropist who kept charity shops in shitty books

9th October 2026

WAKING up with a hangover so piercingly acute that several of my potted plants wither and die after being exposed to its radiation, I reflect on another tumultuous few days.

It began when I read of Tory shadow minister Blake Stephenson’s remarks at conference that the town of Luton had ‘no-go areas’ for white people. I sent for him. On his arrival, I ushered him in and said, sotto voce, ‘It was brave of you to come. For you see, there are no-go areas in London, including my own.’

‘What, Lambeth?’ gasped the shadow minister.

‘Oh, yes. I am only exempt because of my religious status. Are you English?’

‘Yes – and proud of it!’

‘Really? If the sharia law enforcers find out you’re English, trespassing in a no-go area, they’ll cut your balls off. In fact I think I hear them coming down the corridor now! They must suspect something. Come with me.’

And so I took him down to a cellar with a bucket in the corner. ‘You’ll need to stay here until I can spirit you away. Best if I lock you in. I’ll push sandwiches under the door. Sit tight.’

Well, it’s been four days now. I occasionally hear him cry out. Remiss of me not to have fed him for two days. Tomorrow, perhaps.

The problem thus resolved, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that Kemi Badenoch has said that if elected she would build an Israeli-style ‘Iron Dome’ to protect the UK from missiles. Experts, however, said it would be ineffective. Badenoch countered by saying she wasn’t an expert so did not know how the system would work, but had been assured that it would.

Fuck my dog and cat, are you having some sort of bet on who can be the stupidest fucking Tory leader of the 21st century? I’m sure there’ll be no shortage of ‘defence’ companies who’ll gladly take the billions you’d suck out of the welfare state to fund this dense idea, which would be about as useful as the fucking umbrella Wile E Coyote puts up as a giant boulder descends on him! This would be the whitest and most elephantine of fucking white elephants! And who the fuck do you think is going to bomb Britain? The fucking Russians? They’ve advanced about 20 yards into fucking Ukraine over the last five years. Belgium? Sweden? Fuckwit that you are!

An internal inquiry carried out by Reform has concluded that the party did not break the law over the ‘donations sting’ captured on camera.

Well that fucking settles the matter! Not much point in the Metropolitan Police investigation now, is there? In other news, Donald Trump has been found not guilty by Donald Trump of being a liar, a crook and a rapist. Jack the Ripper merely liked a harmless stroll of an evening, rules Judge Jack the Ripper. Fuck right off, Reform, from Clacton in the direction of the fucking sea, you cunts!

Andy Burnham has caused alarm among other Premier League clubs following his statement that he would be ‘really concerned’ if Manchester City’s Abu Dhabi owners pulled out of their investment in the club after it was found guilty of 115 charges of economic malpractice.

Fucking hell, you’d better be careful about how many bollocks you drop, pal, because right now you’ve only got one left! This is a statement you should have left in the thought cloud, not put in a fucking speech balloon! Could it be that the wonders you supposedly worked as Manchester mayor were in part funded by a bunch of corrupt, despotic bastards? And now you’re trying to lean on the FA in gratitude to your fucking paymasters? Well, let me tell you, Mr Britpop, Mr Bloke, Mr Football, there are a fuck of a lot of football fans in this country and most of them fucking hate Man City! I’d fucking row back on this one as far as your arse can carry you!

Finally, it seems that Jeffrey Archer has died at the age of 86.

They say that if you can’t think of something nice to say about someone when they pass away that’s probably because there is nothing nice to say about them. They might be, for example, a horrible, lying, criminal, disgraced Tory arsehole who churned out fucking worthless novels that wasted vast amounts of cultural space! A piece of perjuring, life-destroying, thieving, plagiarising shit, also! A banana-faced cunt of the worst water! The best thing you can say about him is that his fuck-awful novels nobody wanted to read twice gave charity shops something to sell!

As an avowed enemy of the BBC, it is my duty to spoil Celebrity Traitors

8th October 2026

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who believes the Tree of the Year is woke

THIS is not a drill. The winner of the 2026 series of Celebrity Traitors is revealed at the bottom of this very column. Why? Because the BBC must be destroyed.

By happenstance, though it had no business doing so because it is publicly funded, it has a hit show. If we allow this to continue the weak-minded will believe it ‘justifies the licence fee’. It’s the same idiotic argument that disastrously gave women the vote.

It cannot be allowed to happen. Not when we were winning the war. Not when Radio 4’s You and Yours has been cancelled, opening up pensioners’ spitefully withheld funds to entrepreneurial scammers at last.

Not when Strictly is crashing and burning after giving the presenting gig to an active polycule, complete with Josh Widdicombe as cringing bottom. Not when we are within weeks of GB News winning the Doctor Who franchise to show us history done right.

So, the Traitors. Richard E Grant is out tonight. That’s a given, the big-mouthed luvvie twat. You wouldn’t believe he’d grown up a colonial. Where’s his reflexive racism?

The remaining BBC fluffers and catamites will be disposed of in short order. The final four? Miranda Hart, Hannah Fry, Maya Jama and James Blunt, who incidentally will have given Maya one during the interim and made her realise Stormzy wasn’t all that.

Hart won’t last. Despite the proper breeding, she’s weak on values. Shame. In a better age she’d have made a wonderful head nun at one of those convents where they drowned unwed mothers.

Fry will be exposed as a fraud, because nobody actually able to add up would wear the flame-red hair of socialism. And in the final Blunt, who won the Iraq War, will easily expose Jama as a traitor even if she is pregnant with his illegitimate bastard.

The final twist? He pulls his sidearm, demands the hundred grand be wired direct to his own account and boards a mini-submarine to Russia to the cheers of right-thinking Britain. Because the real traitors? The BBC. All along.