New Chelsea manager grudgingly agrees to earn £20m for half-arsed six months

MAURICIO Pochettino will today reluctantly agree to earn eight figures for doing a shit job as Chelsea manager until November.

Which zany London Marathon outfit are you desperately hoping will get you on telly?

YOU’LL never get on TV by actually winning the Marathon, so try getting the BBC’s attention with one of these wacky costumes instead.

Well done, now score when it matters, Kane told

HARRY Kane has been congratulated on becoming England’s top goal scorer but advised to do it during a World Cup quarter-final penalty.

Landlord dearly wishes his wasn't a Sky Sports pub

THE landlord of a pub would give anything for it not to be a Sky f**king Sports one.

Match of the Day to be on Ceefax

TONIGHT’S Match of the Day will be broadcast via live Ceefax updates, the BBC has announced.

It would be fine if Gary Lineker was a right-wing bigot. By the newspapers

IF only it could be different. If only Gary Lineker had the good sense to be a right-wing bigot, he could air his political views as often as he liked.

Football the worst hobby, women agree

WOMEN have agreed that of all the pathetic things men are far too obsessed with, football is easily the worst.

Five magical things about going to a League Two football game

The Premier League has never been better but you’re too cheap to go to their matches. Here’s what you’re getting by supporting a shit League Two team instead.

VAR system to be brought in to eliminate VAR errors

A NEW VAR system to correct bad VAR decisions is to be introduced in a bid to eliminate human error from football once and for all.

How to feel sorry for Andy Murray finishing work at 4am

ANDY Murray is raging about having to work for five hours and finish at 4am. Here's how to feel sorry about this blatant breach of his human rights.