We are now pretty close to working out where the goal is, says Southgate

ENGLAND have hit out at critics, explaining that through patient, cautious exploratory manoeuvres they believe they have ascertained exactly where the goal is. 

After three group games, the team believe it is definitely at the narrow end of the pitch and in the next game plan to test a hypothesis that kicking a ball into it would have a positive effect.

Manager Gareth Southgate said: “It’s not as clear-cut as it might seem. In three games we’ve scored two goals, but only the first one led to a win.

“Last night we decided it was better not even to risk scoring which saw us top the group and go through. And so did Slovenia, proving that goals aren’t necessary in the modern game and may even be damaging.

“Still, in a series of guarded forays forward, always ready to pass back to our own half on even a hint of a challenge, we definitively established where the goal is for future matches and if circumstances allow we might even attempt to score.

“No promises though. If I’m a manager of anything it’s expectations.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Sunak bet on exactly 15 colleagues getting busted

THE prime minister is holding out for every single one of the 15 Conservatives being investigated for gambling to be charged so his William Hill wager pays off. 

Sunak, knowing his colleagues as he does, placed a large and potentially lucrative wager on them being so venal, stupid and cheap they would bet on the election date – a wager he now looks set to win.

He said: “I feared I was being cocky. One or two backbenchers were sure to bet against me, but 15 Tory candidates felt as likely as England actually scoring in the Euros.

“Imagine my delight when the results started coming in. Waving my betting stub and shrieking ‘yes’ at the TV as each name came in. It’s not often a billionaire like me catches a break like that.

“It’s all in the hands of the Gambling Commission right now but eyes down for a full house of 15 convictions under section 42. And because I matched up the names the payout’s even bigger. Big cheers to Craig Williams, Laura Saunders, Tony Lee and the rest.

“Now to wait and see if my bet on being the first former prime minister to be investigated for betting on bets pays off. Fingers crossed.”