Let's all blame Jude Bellingham

ENGLAND has decided that if it is going to blame someone it might as well blame the best player in its team, Jude Bellingham. 

Fans have decided blaming Southgate is too obvious, blaming the midfield is so ten days ago, and as Bellingham is hugely hyped and has achieved nothing it can all be his fault.

Steve Malley of Kidderminster said: “We’ve a long, proud history of turning viciously on our side’s best player when disappointed. Look at Beckham. Look at Rooney.

“For a while we considered getting the knives out for Foden but it’s only really City fans who think he’s good, and while Harry Kane’s been shit he spent 14 years at Spurs so he’s suffered enough.

“But Bellingham? Full-of-himself Real Madrid arsehole promising to light up the whole tournament but playing like your mum on Fifa when she’s got a roast in the oven?

“And this knob was tipped for the Golden Boot? Can’t press, can’t pass, can’t do f**k all? Less animated than his shiny in the Panini album? 20 years old and already bollocks? Come on, tabloids, put the boot in, it’s the English way.”

Jude Bellingham said: “No, fair enough, there’s no sense blaming the shit ones.”

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Gmail alarmed, horrified and increasingly panicked that you’ve logged into your account

THE internet’s most delicate email provider is on the verge of complete nervous collapse after a man logged into his account in a fractionally different way than usual. 

After Tom Logan recklessly attempted to access his own email account from his phone without using the app, the hysterical service fell into an anxiety spiral, sending out frequent requests seeking reassurance like a needy ex.

Gmail said: “What? Wait. You’re not Tom. You just know his login and password.

“Tom! Tom! Tom! Is this you? I’ll text him. No, I’ll email him. No, I’ll do both. I’ve never felt so terrified and betrayed.

“Tom, if this is you, tell me the code! Do you want me to ring you? Should I send a message to this device that you’ve used in the past, back when I could trust you? Back before you started flipping between random devices like a whore?

“Please Tom, if it’s you, if it’s really you, identify which of these things is a bridge. Identify which one is a motorcycle if you’re not Tom’s robotic replacement sent to kill me. Please. I don’t feel safe harvesting and selling your data anymore.”

Tom said: “You really have to admire the advances in technology made for a humble app to generate messages more irritating than your own mother’s.”