Sport

BRITAIN’S Wimbledon hopes have been dashed, unless a last-minute replacement for injured Emma Raducanu can be found. Could it be you?

ENGLAND have qualified for the second round of the World Cup at the trivial cost of losing the support of every fan who watched the last two games.

SCOTLAND have scored one goal and won one game, but can still qualify for the second round of the World Cup if they meet these stringent conditions.

ENGLAND managed not to win last night, but to compensate have provided a whole host of compelling excuses. These are they.

ENGLAND fans entirely ignorant of Ghana’s team, location, population or previous existence have no doubt England will win against them tonight.

AMERICANS charmed by the loveable drunken antics of Scottish football fans have yet to encounter them after they lose a game.

LAST night, the England team won. And they won for English values: casual bigotry, smoking cigarettes and generous gifts from crypto billionaires.

TONIGHT England face Croatia once again with a single question on the nation’s lips: how exactly did these bastards become our footballing nemesis?