Sport

Olympics abducted by deranged Scientologist

THE Olympic Games were kidnapped by an abseiling maniac from the Church of Scientology right under the noses of a global audience last night.

Hopes rise that cycling will now be banned

THE horrific crash during the women’s cycling at the Paris Olympics yesterday has raised hopes that cycling can now be stopped altogether.

We ask you: is it acceptable for women to perv over male swimmers?

THE Olympics has brought dozens of muscular, scantily-clad hunks to our screens. But is objectifying anyone acceptable in this day and age?

Highbrow Australia indifferent to Olympics success

AUSTRALIA are fourth in the Olympic medal table despite the country’s disdain for any activity that emphasises physical achievement over intellectual prowess.

Olympians feasting on their delicious medals

OLYMPIC medal winners are wasting no time in consuming the precious metal discs they need to eat in order to survive.

Who are the future Bake-Off contestants of Team GB?

THEY may be unknown now, but after the next fortnight our Olympians will crop up on Bake-Off, Strictly, and Celebrity Masterchef. So who are they?

Olympic Village rife with regimented, goal-based sex

ATHLETES in Paris’s Olympic village are spending their evenings engaged in sexual congress which they see as a physical endurance challenge.

Ignorant, spiteful Paris Olympics opening ceremony to gloss over how great Britain is

THE opening ceremony of the Olympic Games in Paris will be so obsessed with France and French national identity that Britain will go unmentioned, fans fear.

We ask you: which bizarre fringe Olympic event are you looking forward to?

THE Olympics are here, and with them a host of events you have never before heard of which prove captivating viewing. What’s your favourite?

We ask you: what crazy antics will Gareth Southgate get up to now?

HE has walked away from the England team, but who knows what rowdy craziness Gareth Southgate will get up next?