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'We kept crossing into the box but there was no-one there': six reasons why it wasn't England's fault

ENGLAND managed not to win last night, but to compensate have provided a whole host of compelling excuses. These are they.

'FIFA corruption? You're getting arseholed on a Tuesday night,' says Infantino

Messi branded showboating little shit

England expected to easily beat Ghana by fans who know not one thing about Ghana

ENGLAND fans entirely ignorant of Ghana’s team, location, population or previous existence have no doubt England will win against them tonight.

USA yet to experience when Scotland lose

AMERICANS charmed by the loveable drunken antics of Scottish football fans have yet to encounter them after they lose a game.

England's victory was won for bigotry and no-strings-attached £5m gifts, says Farage

LAST night, the England team won. And they won for English values: casual bigotry, smoking cigarettes and generous gifts from crypto billionaires.

Croatia: how did they, of all countries, end up our nemesis?

TONIGHT England face Croatia once again with a single question on the nation’s lips: how exactly did these bastards become our footballing nemesis?

'It doesn't actually matter though, does it?': A girlfriend's guide to ruining football

PLANNING to watch England vs Croatia tonight with mates and a not-interested girlfriend? Try to ignore her inadvertently questioning the very foundations of spectator sport.

Livramento drops out of England squad on discovering it is not compulsory

WAGS alone and horny in Miami, Britain notified

THE UK’s lotharios have been notified that the England squad’s wives and girlfriends are hot and undefended 1,250 miles from the team’s base.