Sport

ENGLAND lost, and it cannot be the fault of the country, our brave boys who gave everything, or the fans. So which knobhead is to blame this time? We investigate.

THE World Cup football tournament is stupid and England did not want to win it anyway, it has emerged.

SPAIN have their fingers crossed for England to triumph over Argentina tonight so Sunday is a nice easy final.

JUDE Bellingham has no concerns that England, who has decided he is its newest hero, will turn to mercilessly hounding him if he does not win tonight’s game.

KEIR Starmer has announced that all English lunch breaks will be extended by five whole minutes for one day only if England wins the World Cup.

WHAT luck! England vs Argentina in the semi-final of the World Cup, and me still not over a war between our countries that ended 44 years ago!

TONIGHT, England play Erling Haaland and his Norwegian chums in the quarter-final of the World Cup. How can he possibly be stopped?

WHY should it be Norway? If there’s any nation known worldwide for descending on countries in boats and taking them over by force, it’s surely us.

HEY! American here, just heard of soccerball, willing to fix it. This is how to change the rules to make it a better sport where great countries win.