Your guide to England's dive penalty laser pointer cheating bollocks

ENGLAND won fair and square and everyone’s jealous. But malcontents are whispering about some dive-penalty-laser-pen-cheating crap. Here’s how to correct them:

How to be a fanatical England supporter who only got into it last week

SUDDENLY discovered a deep love of football now that everyone else is into it? Here’s how to be extremely annoying about it.

How to come down gently off England's win last night

ARE you still dangerously high on England’s latest victory over Denmark? It can’t last, particularly when we play Italy, so here’s how to beat your addiction before it gets out of control. 

How to wear an England shirt like a f**king weirdo, by Boris Johnson

FANCY showing your support for the England team but also want to look like you’ve never dressed yourself before? Prime minister Boris Johnson explains how to do it.

Team of multi-ethnic wokery winning the f**k out of shit

A MULTI-ETHNIC team descended from immigrants who take the knee at every game are winning the absolute f**k out of this, it has emerged.

England fans leaving work at lunchtime regardless

ENGLAND fans have agreed it is necessary to leave work at lunch in order to catch the game at 8pm this evening.

We can hear you through the telly, England team confirm

THE England team has reminded viewers ahead of tonight’s match that they hear every word of the support and advice screamed at your TV.

How to be the kind of England fan that gets a close-up on the telly

ENGLAND are 2-0 down in their semi-final with ten minutes to go, so this could be the last chance to get your face up on everyone’s Ultra HD. Here’s how.

Six comforting fantasies where Gareth Southgate makes everything alright

ENGLAND fans are lost in reassuring fantasies where suddenly Gareth Southgate appears to fix everything in a humble, middle-aged way. Here are six of them.

England fan touching objects to check if they're real

AN England fan is unable to believe the world truly exists if it is one where England won a European Championship quarter-final four-nil.