The five racists who've f**king ruined it

ENGLAND didn’t win, but the country really felt it had achieved something these past weeks only to be forcibly reminded it hadn’t. These bastards have ruined it.

14 times today when England fans will stare into the middle distance and mutter 'f**king hell'

GUTTED England fans will largely spend today listlessly doing menial tasks in between muttering ‘f**king hell’.

How we'll definitely win it, by a 19-year-old who never suffered the heartbreak of Euro 96

THE final? No chance we’ll muff it, says 19-year-old Ryan Whittaker, born six years after England ripped fans’ hearts out in 1996. Here he explains:

Chuck your pint at the ceiling: the twat's guide to watching footy in the pub

TONIGHT'S the night. Been lucky enough to snag a table down your local boozer? Here’s how to ruin it for everyone else.

Boris Johnson's England team talk

BORIS Johnson has popped in to give an impromptu, improvised, pig-ignorant talk to the England team. Here’s the transcript:

Scotland to have a bank holiday if England lose

SCOTLAND will be treated to an impromptu bank holiday this coming Monday if England are beaten by Italy, it has been confirmed.

Your guide to England's dive penalty laser pointer cheating bollocks

ENGLAND won fair and square and everyone’s jealous. But malcontents are whispering about some dive-penalty-laser-pen-cheating crap. Here’s how to correct them:

How to be a fanatical England supporter who only got into it last week

SUDDENLY discovered a deep love of football now that everyone else is into it? Here’s how to be extremely annoying about it.

How to come down gently off England's win last night

ARE you still dangerously high on England’s latest victory over Denmark? It can’t last, particularly when we play Italy, so here’s how to beat your addiction before it gets out of control. 

How to wear an England shirt like a f**king weirdo, by Boris Johnson

FANCY showing your support for the England team but also want to look like you’ve never dressed yourself before? Prime minister Boris Johnson explains how to do it.