Wales vs England like brothers fighting over bunk-beds

TONIGHT’S Wales vs England game is to be like a pair of brothers getting in a pathetic scrap over who gets the top bunk, other nations have agreed.

Oh, and if we win you have to drop the language, England tells Wales

THE England team have casually mentioned that tonight’s match not only decides progression to the next round but also Wales’s national tongue.

England fans at home seize historic chance to be far more pissed than England fans at game

STAY-AT-HOME England fans are thrilled to grab the once-in-a-lifetime chance to watch the game far more pissed than the fans at the match.

Ronaldo signs on

HAVING left Manchester United with immediate effect, the 37-year-old footballer worth £370 million has signed on, it has been confirmed.

Armbands, hats, Dark Side of the Moon on vinyl: what we're banning, by Qatar

WELCOME to the greatest ever festival of football, a sport we love. Certain items are banned from games for peace, harmony of all involved. These are outlawed.

England to take moral high ground by losing

ENGLAND are to take the moral high ground in the Qatar World Cup by losing all their games in protest, they have confirmed.

How to make sure everyone knows you're not watching the World Cup

MADE the difficult decision not to watch the World Cup for ethical reasons? Worried there are people who haven’t heard? Here’s how to tell them.

Footballs next thing to be banned from Qatar World Cup

PRESSURISED air-filled balls made of polyurethane panels are the next thing to be banned from World Cup stadiums by the Qatari royal family.

Man not ethically conflicted about Qatari World Cup because none of it was up to him

A FOOTBALL fan is not in the least bit ethically conflicted about the upcoming World Cup because none of the decisions anywhere along the line were his to make.

All 26 members of the England World Cup squad and how they'll individually let us down

THE England World Cup squad has been named, much to the country's regret. Here’s how each of them will disgrace the shirt.