Sport

England unveils brilliant new strategy of not playing anyone good

GARETH Southgate has revealed his plan to get England to the World Cup final by only playing the weakest opponents.

Diego Maradona's guide to having friends over for 'wine'

HOLA! I’m footballing legend Diego Maradona and here is my guide to having a few friends round for a quiet evening with cheese, pleasant conversation and ‘wine’.

How to make the World Cup tolerable if you f**king hate football

ARE you totally uninterested in football but face weeks of men kicking a little a ball around and analysing it? Read our handy tips for making it less tedious.

England 'can win World Cup if you're pissed enough'

THE England team has a very good chance of winning the World Cup if you have consumed enough alcohol, it has emerged.

World Cup opening ceremony to centre on 380ft replica of Putin’s cock

TODAY’S World Cup opening ceremony will feature a monstrous replica of Russian president Vladimir Putin’s ‘magnificent’ penis.

Phil Neville’s guide to women

Scientists have proven that women do not experience friendship like we do, being unable to physcially withstand banter.

There is no ball, table tennis players admit

INTERNATIONAL table tennis players have confessed that there have been no balls involved at the sport’s top level for 30 years.

Runner trying to get conversation back on to the marathon

A MAN who completed the London marathon is trying to make colleagues talk about it without appearing too obvious.

Rooney ponders the nature of happiness

WAYNE Rooney has questioned the nature of existence following a Champions League game.

Peter Jackson to turn Bale transfer into trilogy

THE long-running saga of Gareth Bale's journey from Spurs to Real Madrid is to be made into a film saga by Peter Jackson.