Gammon would still shag Team GB flag if it was up for it

A PATRIOT outraged by the Team GB flag would still give it one if it gave him the eye, he had admitted.

Sun reader Wayne Hayes, aged 54, who thinks the pink and purple Team GB flag is an affront to our country’s proud history, would nevertheless go at it good and bloody hard should the opportunity arise.

He said: “It may not look as beautiful as it used to, but I’m not shallow. I’d just lie back and think of England while not looking directly at its physical embodiment. It’s the British way.

“The Union Jack should be red, white and blue, but I’m hardly a prime physical specimen myself. Racially I’m white, facially I’m red, mid-lovemaking I’ve been known to get purple. In that sense we’ve got a lot in common.

“It would be my best shot at banging Britannia herself, bar bumping into Penny Mordaunt down the British Protection, so it would be unpatriotic to say no. I’d hum the national anthem and that Jerusalem while I stripped seductively down.

“Then it’s on to missionary, reverse cowgirl, and even a spot of 69ing. I’d treat the Team GB flag to the works to show how much I love this sceptred isle. No bum stuff or choking though, I ain’t no pervert.”

Pub landlord and friend Norman Steele said: “Wayne’s a champion flag shagger. They should book him for the opening ceremony.”

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Your astrological week ahead for March 30th, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

It’s not just Easter eggs you should keep away from dogs. They should also be discouraged from consuming an entire Simnel cake.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Bit late to the party on this, but 32 years ago I turned six.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Eating sushi off a naked woman going round on a conveyor belt. That’s what you reckon baggage handlers in airports do on quiet nights.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

I like my women like I like my coffee; responsible for poor working conditions and avoidable deaths in the developing world.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Update: the expression ‘polishing a turd’ has been replaced by ‘put perspex over it and call it a Banksy’.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Enough shameless self promotion, time to try selfless shame promotion.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

You knew you could mash it, bake it, chop it up and fry it, but did you know you can fuck a potato?

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Growing up we were so poor we could only afford to have pins OR needles.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Trying to read articles before the paywall pops up is the Gen Z version of the ten-minute Adult Channel midnight preview.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

This is the Princess of Wales’s star sign, so if you could respect her privacy by not reading it for the duration?

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

A good thing to say to a goose is ‘Talk to me, goose!’ Except when Maverick is around. He does not find that shit funny.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Don’t condescend, they prefer to be known as manic pixie dream women now.