Sport

Ten-year-old England fan already knocking back pre-game Ribena

A YOUNG England fan excited for tonight’s game is already hitting the Ribena way harder than usual.

Fans worried England might be quite good

FANS of England have admitted real concern that the team they are supporting may actually be decent.

We ask you: will our new prime minister's rousing rhetoric inspire England to a 4-0 victory?

OUR new prime minister charged the whole nation with adrenaline from the steps of Downing Street yesterday. Will England do him proud with a massive win?

Why Ronaldo is an arrogant bastard but Jude Bellingham has magnificent self-belief, by an England fan

RONALDO? Full of himself. Thinks about nothing but his own legend. Jude Bellingham, mouthing ‘who else?’ to camera while grabbing his balls? Just self-assured.

Another six days before we know if Southgate is a national hero or useless twat

THERE is slightly less than a week to go until England can be certain whether Gareth Southgate is a national treasure or disgrace.

England capture national mood by doing bare f**king minimum

THE England team have shown they are a reflection of their country by doing piss all apart from for two minutes on the deadline.

Which untried, out-of-position teenager do you think will solve England's problems?

ENGLAND fans are deciding which barely-capped players to assign to positions they have never played in before to win the next game six-nil.

Bellend takes day's paid holiday to play bloody golf

A TOTAL dick has used up annual leave to secure a tee time on a Wednesday because the weekend is a bit busy.

We are now pretty close to working out where the goal is, says Southgate

ENGLAND have hit out at critics, explaining that through patient, cautious exploratory manoeuvres they believe they have ascertained exactly where the goal is.