How to be the kind of England fan that gets a close-up on the telly

ENGLAND are 2-0 down in their semi-final with ten minutes to go, so this could be the last chance to get your face up on everyone’s Ultra HD. Here’s how.

Six comforting fantasies where Gareth Southgate makes everything alright

ENGLAND fans are lost in reassuring fantasies where suddenly Gareth Southgate appears to fix everything in a humble, middle-aged way. Here are six of them.

England fan touching objects to check if they're real

AN England fan is unable to believe the world truly exists if it is one where England won a European Championship quarter-final four-nil.

England vs Ukraine: the drinking game

THE match tonight needs a drinking game, and it can’t be based on goals because England have only scored four in three weeks. Use these rules:

16 aggravating things your mum will say during tonight's England game

TONIGHT’S game will be repeatedly interrupted by your mother, who last watched football in July 2018. This is what she’ll ask:

That was better than '66, says man born in 1974

AN England fan born eight years after England’s World Cup victory has decided that last night’s quarter-finals qualifier were probably better.

How to survive the mother of all football hangovers

DID you massively overdo it last night? Is your hangover marring your joy at England’s win? Here’s how to survive a day of football-induced alcohol poisoning.

How to have a great evening watching England f**k it up

LOOKING forward to the big match, but realistically it’s the Germans? Here’s how to have a great night in the face of inevitable disappointment.

England fans 'too tired' to mock Germany after five-year xenophobia binge

ENGLAND fans worn out by a five-year xenophobia binge are exhaustedly trying to summon up reserves of bigotry against the Germans.

Euro 96 or World War Two: Which one bothers you more?

THE last global war and a prolonged penalty shoot-out are painful parts of England’s cultural history. But which one upset you more?