England capture national mood by doing bare f**king minimum

THE England team have shown they are a reflection of their country by doing piss all apart from for two minutes on the deadline.

The players represented the nation’s homeworkers by spending 90 minutes doing the equivalent of watching Netflix, scoring two goals in two minutes then settling back on the metaphorical sofa for a further half-hour.

Manager Gareth Southgate said: “We are about results barely achieved with the minimum possible effort. We are England.

“Just as the nation is suffering a productivity crisis with overpaid millions doing little, so we perform on the pitch. The plan was always to score in the 94th minute but Slovakia complicated that so we went into extra time, which we will be billing for.

“Nonetheless, two minutes of work over 120 minutes of football with the rest of the time spent pissing about fruitlessly is how our supporters, our backbone, spend their days.

“In the next match against Switzerland we plan to start strongly and almost immediately fade away, doing just enough to keep me from being fired. If we make the semis we’ll stay up too late the night before and possibly just about edge it, on balance.

“Can someone at home send us Kettle Chips? You can’t buy them out here.”

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British family brutally catfished by pebble beach

A FAMILY on a UK break were devastated to discover their destination had deceived them by offering only pebble beaches. 

The Sheridans, a London family of four, headed out to Aldeburgh in Suffolk for a seaside break before realising to their horror they would have nothing to walk on but harsh, unforgiving stones.

Donna Sheridan said: “We thought a quaint English seaside town would be a nice change. Little did we know the town was built on a lie.

“I didn’t think to look up the molecular make-up of the shoreline before we came, which Nathan blames me for, but I assumes the sea would have done its bloody job and turned stones into sand by now. What else is it doing all f**king day?

“Walking on it was agony. Sitting on it was painful. My daughter piled 14 rocks in a bucket to try and make a sandcastle. They tumbled out and didn’t make a pile even though she’d given the bucket a special tap.

“Pebbles aren’t a beach. They’re just where land meets water. Aldeburgh should carry an official warning.”

Local councillor Joseph Turner said: “We’re masters of deceptive photography over here. Our skill puts middle-aged women on Tinder to shame.”