Which untried, out-of-position teenager do you think will solve England's problems?

ENGLAND fans are deciding which barely-capped players to assign to positions they have never played in before to win the next game six-nil.

From Barrow-in-Furness to Brighton, fans are picking squad members almost at random, popping them into roles they are entirely unfamiliar with, sitting back and waiting for the goals to roll in.

Steve Malley of Bournemouth said: “Kobbie Mainoo in central defence? Can’t see why not.

“He’ll link up nicely with Wharton on the left wing, because he’s hardly played for the senior team either and certainly not in a high-pressure knockout game so they’ll have something in common.

“Throw Konsa in the midfield, Alexander-Arnold up front, Bellingham as left-back and Gordon in a free-roaming role literally wherever he wants.

“If the last few years of team solidity – a core of experienced players playing the same positions they play for their clubs – show us anything, it’s that it doesn’t win you shit, so let’s go wild like Graham motherf**king Taylor’s up in this bitch.”

Football writer Helen Archer said: “No, Guéhi as a number ten, Saka at the back, Cole Palmer as lone midfielder stroke centre-back and Bellingham in goal.

“And if that doesn’t work it’s Southgate’s fault.”

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Gentrification comes to field of shit

A FIELD containing vast quantities of human faeces and dodgy fast food vans is being gentrified beyond the means of most Britons this weekend.

After transforming places like Shoreditch and Manchester’s Northern Quarter, the middle-classes are now making the portaloo-filled field in the Glastonbury area of Somerset prohibitively expensive by charging £8 a pint and getting Coldplay to perform.

Many of the new residents are graduate professionals, attracting fashionable businesses such as artisanal coffee vendors, pop-up craft stalls and overpriced noodle bars, with the desirable side-effect of driving out poor people.

Developer Emily Eavis said: “Just like any vibrant, up-and-coming area, Glastonbury’s mud and mentally-scarring toilets once attracted hippies, students and artists. Then, once they’d made it cool, we kicked them out and jacked up the prices so lawyers and graphic designers could feel safe.

“Yes, our event technically involves music, but it’s mainly about promoting vegan Buddha bowls and New Age ornaments. That and making people think staying in a septic bog unfit for livestock is aspirational.

“We’re making great progress. The field already features Central London prices such as £43 for a bottle of prosecco, but I can see a day when it includes Mercedes dealerships and a boat show. 

“It’s important to hang on to the hippy dream.”

Estate agents have already begun showing portfolio landlords around the field, where they hope to offer tenants cosy one-bedroom canvas apartments with en suite rivers of piss for just £1,500 per month.