Fans worried England might be quite good

FANS of England have admitted real concern that the team they are supporting may actually be decent. 

Following Saturday’s game, in which Switzerland were dispatched with minimal fuss and goals, critics of Southgate have accused his team of being much better than he led us to believe.

Nathan Muir of Hitchen said: “Come on. We’ve shipped four goals all tournament. Their shocking baseline competence is plain to see.

“They’ve never settled on a formation, players are in and out, Kane’s palpably too tired but, slapping their fans in the face, they’re in the semis with a minimum of fuss. In a major international tournament. Some of them for the third time.

“I can’t be feeling hope at my time of life. The Labour win’s already got me looking up to the sky, thinking life might not be so bad after all. What if optimism spreads throughout all England? What of our national character?”

Nicola Hollis of Braintree said: “I’ve been supporting England since Graham Taylor. If we reach the final I shall stick a flare up my arse but in a sad, resigned, empty way.”

Southgate said: “I understand the fans’ worry. I’m considering letting Declan Rice take corners for no other reason that he’s good at them.”

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How to hide on Tinder that you used to be a Tory MP

HITTING the job market and, now infidelity’s no longer scandalous, the dating market as well? Tinder doesn’t need to know about your most recent period of employment: 

Create a cover story

Your date will most likely be looking for a partner with good judgment and a solid financial footing. Admitting you were involved in either the Johnson or Truss administrations will ruin that, so you need a story to cover at least the last five years. A stretch in a Columbian maximum security prison is less concerning.

Break into showbusiness

If Ed Balls can, you can. Call your contacts, begin with Saturday Kitchen, work your way up to the Masked Singer and prospective partners will assume they’re at fault for not having heard of you and never ask why you’re in Aladdin at the Bolton Octagon.

Delete old flames

As a Conservative MP, you were deluged with filthy offers daily. Researchers, lobbyists, Russian spies or Princess Beatrice, they were all ready and willing. But don’t waste time chasing them up now because they’re no longer interested, not even the Lib Dems. All they wanted to f**k was your power. And you respect that.

Stop behaving like a Conservative MP

Certain telltale behaviours may betray your former profession. Putting the date on expenses, deleting all WhatsApp messages, and calling the police on homeless people are all tells. When calling your dealer for a couple of grams, remember not to call him ‘Govey’.

Get a new wardrobe

If you’re not a Tory MP anymore, there’s no need to look like one. Also, there’s a not insignificant overlap between looking like a Tory and looking like a divorced man who hasn’t had sex since lockdown but wants to ‘live, laugh love with that special someone, must own property’. Jeans and a ‘F**k forever’ T-shirt should fool everyone.