England too daring if anything, warns Starmer

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Fears grow that recycling could become inconvenient

BRITONS facing the prospect of the first mildly left-leaning government in 14 years are concerned that it could make recycling a little bit harder to do. 

A Labour majority may mean the adoption of environmentally-friendly policies, like food waste bins or having to wash jars out, which could make being green for ordinary hard-working people a pain in the arse.

Architect and father-of-two Tom Logan said: “I don’t mind buying the rainforest biscuits or the dreadful sandals made from reconditioned cat uterus. That’s consumerist.

“But any requirement that I keep an open slop bucket in the kitchen, or treat bin rubbish with care, or anything that restricts my driving 500 metres to the shops in a diesel SUV, I’m not keen on that.”

Teacher and Ecover washing-up liquid buyer Nikki Hollis said: “I firmly believe we must safeguard the planet’s natural resources for future generations, as long as it doesn’t involve too much pissing about.

“I fear a Labour government may raise the moral obligation bar to a level where you have to put yourself out a bit, for example old-fashioned nappies you have to wash the turds off, or returning glass bottles for a deposit like the Bash Street Kids.”

“I’ll be buggered if I’m fingering bits of sweaty cucumber. It’s all too wartime and unsexy, like my nan.”