Bellend takes day's paid holiday to play bloody golf

A TOTAL dick has used up annual leave to secure a tee time on a Wednesday because the weekend is a bit busy.

31-year-old Oliver O’Connor thought his colleagues would be jealous of his trading in one day pretending to work for an expensive traipse around fake hills when they couldn’t give less of a shit.

O’Connor said: “When the sun’s out I check the upcoming forecast and sneakily hit the HR app to get last minute PTO to work on my short game. It is my statutory right as a crafty bastard and gets me out of the morning stand-up.

“What else am I going to blow leave on? A mate’s wedding? A holiday with the kids nagging at you? Surely everyone knows three under par is better than sex, or has felt the pure elation you get recovering one from a big pond after a tricky dogleg.

“Golf is all about being alone battling the elements, not stuck behind a four-way of fogies on a Sunday morning. I can speed through 18 holes before noon and spend the rest of the afternoon looking at carbon-fibre shafts.

“I’ll have to work from August right through Christmas with no time off left, but there’s always the option to hit the driving range at 8pm on a Friday night.”

O’Connor’s colleague Julian Cook said: “We all appreciate it, because we can spend a much-needed eight hours talking about what a cock he is.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

We are now pretty close to working out where the goal is, says Southgate

ENGLAND have hit out at critics, explaining that through patient, cautious exploratory manoeuvres they believe they have ascertained exactly where the goal is. 

After three group games, the team believe it is definitely at the narrow end of the pitch and in the next game plan to test a hypothesis that kicking a ball into it would have a positive effect.

Manager Gareth Southgate said: “It’s not as clear-cut as it might seem. In three games we’ve scored two goals, but only the first one led to a win.

“Last night we decided it was better not even to risk scoring which saw us top the group and go through. And so did Slovenia, proving that goals aren’t necessary in the modern game and may even be damaging.

“Still, in a series of guarded forays forward, always ready to pass back to our own half on even a hint of a challenge, we definitively established where the goal is for future matches and if circumstances allow we might even attempt to score.

“No promises though. If I’m a manager of anything it’s expectations.”