Sunak bet on exactly 15 colleagues getting busted

THE prime minister is holding out for every single one of the 15 Conservatives being investigated for gambling to be charged so his William Hill wager pays off. 

Sunak, knowing his colleagues as he does, placed a large and potentially lucrative wager on them being so venal, stupid and cheap they would bet on the election date – a wager he now looks set to win.

He said: “I feared I was being cocky. One or two backbenchers were sure to bet against me, but 15 Tory candidates felt as likely as England actually scoring in the Euros.

“Imagine my delight when the results started coming in. Waving my betting stub and shrieking ‘yes’ at the TV as each name came in. It’s not often a billionaire like me catches a break like that.

“It’s all in the hands of the Gambling Commission right now but eyes down for a full house of 15 convictions under section 42. And because I matched up the names the payout’s even bigger. Big cheers to Craig Williams, Laura Saunders, Tony Lee and the rest.

“Now to wait and see if my bet on being the first former prime minister to be investigated for betting on bets pays off. Fingers crossed.”

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Let's all blame Jude Bellingham

ENGLAND has decided that if it is going to blame someone it might as well blame the best player in its team, Jude Bellingham. 

Fans have decided blaming Southgate is too obvious, blaming the midfield is so ten days ago, and as Bellingham is hugely hyped and has achieved nothing it can all be his fault.

Steve Malley of Kidderminster said: “We’ve a long, proud history of turning viciously on our side’s best player when disappointed. Look at Beckham. Look at Rooney.

“For a while we considered getting the knives out for Foden but it’s only really City fans who think he’s good, and while Harry Kane’s been shit he spent 14 years at Spurs so he’s suffered enough.

“But Bellingham? Full-of-himself Real Madrid arsehole promising to light up the whole tournament but playing like your mum on Fifa when she’s got a roast in the oven?

“And this knob was tipped for the Golden Boot? Can’t press, can’t pass, can’t do f**k all? Less animated than his shiny in the Panini album? 20 years old and already bollocks? Come on, tabloids, put the boot in, it’s the English way.”

Jude Bellingham said: “No, fair enough, there’s no sense blaming the shit ones.”