Gmail alarmed, horrified and increasingly panicked that you’ve logged into your account

THE internet’s most delicate email provider is on the verge of complete nervous collapse after a man logged into his account in a fractionally different way than usual. 

After Tom Logan recklessly attempted to access his own email account from his phone without using the app, the hysterical service fell into an anxiety spiral, sending out frequent requests seeking reassurance like a needy ex.

Gmail said: “What? Wait. You’re not Tom. You just know his login and password.

“Tom! Tom! Tom! Is this you? I’ll text him. No, I’ll email him. No, I’ll do both. I’ve never felt so terrified and betrayed.

“Tom, if this is you, tell me the code! Do you want me to ring you? Should I send a message to this device that you’ve used in the past, back when I could trust you? Back before you started flipping between random devices like a whore?

“Please Tom, if it’s you, if it’s really you, identify which of these things is a bridge. Identify which one is a motorcycle if you’re not Tom’s robotic replacement sent to kill me. Please. I don’t feel safe harvesting and selling your data anymore.”

Tom said: “You really have to admire the advances in technology made for a humble app to generate messages more irritating than your own mother’s.”

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