Coldplay beg fans to end toxic co-dependent relationship

COLDPLAY frontman Chris Martin has pleaded with fans to stop buying their music so they can stop making it.

The band, who headline Glastonbury this weekend because nobody else was available, have admitted they and their fans are locked in a toxic co-dependent spiral.

Martin said: “They still buy music so they can believe they still like music. We still make music because they still buy it. Every album I swear it’s our last.

“We’ve tried making the music much, much worse – almost U2-like – but the fans seem immune, probably because it’s only ever on in the background when they’re ironing.

“Surely it’s impossible to ignore how dire we are live but they just stand there, thrilled they’ve got a babysitter for the night, drinking white wine and buying T-shirts.”

The band’s frontman admitted it has been that way since the very beginning, when he sung Yellow in a mocking, sarcastic voice to highlight how trite it was and it became a global hit.

He continued: “All I want is to be a retired rock star, farming fish or cheese or moles or something, but I’m far too middle-class to turn down the money. Also my hot actress girlfriend who makes only shite films might leave me.”

Mother-of-two Hannah Tomlinson said: “They’ve got a new album on the way? I hope it sounds like all the others. I can’t be doing with messing about.”

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Woman clearly villain of her own anecdote

A WOMAN is telling an anecdote which appears, to all listeners if not to the speaker, to be about what an arsehole she is. 

Sophie Rodriguez admitted at girls’ drinks she had argued with mutual friend Lucy Parry and all those gathered put on their best sympathy faces only to conclude they were sympathising with the wrong party.

Cheskie Johnson said: “It’s only polite and sisterly to call a good friend a ‘vile, arrogant cow’ in such circumstances, so we were ready.

“But Sophie explained she’d moved in with Lucy temporarily two months ago, that Lucy was ‘restricting her sexually’ by complaining when she brought blokes back and that she hadn’t meant to sell Lucy’s laptop. And we all realised we’d backed the wrong horse.

“Still, we had to nod along to her not-remotely-convincing explanation of how it had happened while haunted by visions of random blokes with dangling balls in her flat. You’re meant to decide whose balls are out in your flat. Estate agents should make more of it.

“Anyway, turns out Lucy is completely in the right and is owed at least three grand not counting rent, all of which we gleaned from an anecdote from which Sophie came out as the queen of all twats while being blissfully unaware.”

She added: “I made up for my error by calling Lucy and giving her a full rundown. Now my conscience is clean.”