AN URGENT report has confirmed that a football is bouncing across the park directly towards you and you are expected to return it.
Eyewitness accounts support emerging details that the football escaped from a game of five-a-side, and that all players are looking to you to send it back with a swift, accurate kick which they do not realise is outside of your skillset.
Onlooker James Bates said: “There’s nobody else around mate, it’s definitely rolling towards you. F**king hell, don’t let it go into the road.
“No pressure, but the whole park is watching you intently. Yes, including a number of attractive women, that one girl you’re crushing on and your ex, who appears to be with her new partner. Try not to let that throw you off.
“Tune out the lads who kicked it over and are shouting ‘Kick it back for f**k’s sake’. Don’t let their inarguably superior masculinity become a distraction. Ignore that if you hoof the wrong way they’ll probably beat you up.
“Kicking a ball is piss easy, you know how to do that, right? Don’t bend down to pick it up with your hands. Anyway, it’s mere feet away from you. Godspeed.”
Ball owner Ryan Whittaker said: “Come on mate, that drone’s filming the whole thing like it’s the OJ Simpson chase. Don’t f**k this up – oh. You missed.”
