By internet enthusiast Nancy Wilkes, who believes Jpeg is a French footballer
THEY’RE doing deepfakes now. Your computer takes an ordinary photo and makes it look like you’re up to hanky-panky you haven’t touched since Butlin’s, Bognor Regis, 1985.
Politicians are worried. Celebrities are worried. And I’m worried because there’s a picture of me on the internet from when I triumphed in the Chipping Campden Summer Fete Preserve Championship of 2018.
It was a proud day. My apricot marmalade beat Margaret Gerving’s on consistency, flavour and not containing what the judges described as ‘visible insects’.
That photo was everywhere. Front page of the Gazette. Facebook. Library noticeboard. Potentially Moscow. Which means a pervert has inevitably taken it and turned it into a six-way gangbang.
The original photo only showed me from the waist up so my nipples would be below the frame, but artificial intelligence could easily predict their location. And I wish I hadn’t been holding the jar like that. It could easily be a phallus in my two-handed grip.
I look positively ecstatic in that photograph. Granted, that was because my preserve was rated ‘spectacular’ and of ‘perfectly judged consistency’ and I could see Margaret’s sour face, but an algorithm could render my joy considerably less wholesome.
My grandson said ‘Nan, nobody’s making deepfake nudes of local pensioner in beige support stockings’ but my Facebook got hacked to post about muscle supplements so I’m clearly on the radar. Why not me noshing off the vicar?
What concerns me most is the possibility that the deepfake version of me is better looking and has working hips. The local newspaper should investigate. It’s their fault, they have to take responsibility by searching for counterfeit birthday suit grandmothers.
I’ve written to the editor demanding answers and told them search under ‘Wilkes’, ‘Wills’ and ‘hot septugenarian spanked by randy vicar’ because people often spell my name wrong. If they find anything I think they still print out pictures at the library.
I hope they didn’t put Margaret in any of these rude pics. But if the deepfake has won any additional jam competitions, I expect the trophies transferred immediately.
