WAKING with a hangover so excruciating I have to fight off my dog lest it makes off with the liver and kidneys I have vomited up, I restore my innards manually and and reflect on a somewhat traumatic week.
Westminster Abbey was subject to an attempted bomb attack on Tuesday, by a group of assailants who were immediately apprehended by police. There were no injuries but some of my parishioners and clerical staff were deeply alarmed.
My chief personal assistant wrote up a statement for me to deliver at a press conference. ‘I condemn these cowardly attacks,’ it began. I stepped up to the microphones.
‘I’ve been handed some shit I’m not going to fucking read,’ I began. ‘I mean, fuck these fuckers but “cowardly”? Cunts, yes, cowards no. Why the fuck do they always insist on “cowardly”? To attempt an attack like this, for whatever shitty stupid reason, requires balls. Balls I’d like to stamp on repeatedly but balls nonetheless. So I’d like to condemn these technically brave assailants who are rightly going to prison for their attempted murderous crime.’
As I reflect on the stunned responses of the assembled press, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that Nigel Farage has supposedly been banned from appearing on the BBC’s Desert Island Discs, due to fears he might upset ‘woke’ staff. The allegation comes from a planned biography by Lord Ashcroft.
Fuck me till my balls rattle, there’s no way fucking Farage could appear on Desert Island Discs because he’s only got one fucking record, the one he’s been playing non-stop for the last 20 years, usually on fucking Question Time! It all sounds a bit unlikely, not least because the Beeb would fucking love to chuck him softball questions like ‘What luxury items would you take?’ Still, if Lord Ashcroft is the source that’s fucking good enough for me – the geezer who broke the David Cameron pig story, which certainly didn’t turn out to be something he’d pulled out from deep up his eminent arse!
In further Farage news, he said people should feel ‘cold, pure rage’ at the police response to the Henry Nowak murder, implying it was an example of ‘two-tier’ policing. Riots ensued. Labour’s robust response came from minister Sarah Jones, who suggested the police reconsider their current anti-racism guidance.
Cunt’s fucking sake, you fucking idiot, break the political habit of a fucking lifetime and don’t concede this piece of brazen, racist scum a fucking inch! The police are excessively anti-racist? Take that message to the UK’s black communities, seven times more likely to face arrest and harassment than white people and ask them if they fucking think anti-racism has gone too far! Then wait for them to laugh so hard at you they blow your fucking head clean off its roots! This fucking cuntry!
A group of residents who go by the name The Soho Society, dedicated to ‘preserving the character of Soho’, have been criticised for ferociously objecting to all new bar and restaurant licences.
Can I just sit you cunts down and ask you a simple fucking question? If you hate bars, restaurants and all the concomitant drunkenness, high jinks and sleaze that comes with them, why in the name of fuck did you move to Soho? ‘Preserve the character of Soho’? That IS the fucking character of Soho! It was the character of Soho decades before you unbelievable arseholes decided to move there and shut down the fucking fun for everyone else! If you want a quiet life, go live in fucking Surbiton, you absolute twats! Not that fucking Soho isn’t a sterile parody of its former self, but that’s doubtless thanks to you tossers!
Finally, The Economist has published a feature decrying ‘Gen Z’ socialism and how it must be resisted because it represents ‘a profound threat to prosperity’.
Yeah? Whose fucking prosperity? Because most of us aren’t exactly feeling fucking prosperous right now under the fucking system the Economist wants to fucking preserve and defend! You think there is this precious, non-human institution The Economy, whose interests must be protected at the fucking cost of actual fucking human beings! Well, absolutely fuck that to the hottest bowels of hell and you with it, you utter cunts!
