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Animals obstructing progress again

SUPERFLUOUS wildlife is once again standing in the way of logging, beef farming and fossil fuel extraction, industry has confirmed. 

Despite their declining numbers, obscure species like the Patagonian fox-wolf and a boring type of ochre-coloured bear still stand in the way of companies working to transform their dank, hostile habitats into products useful or tasty.

Logging company CEO Roy Hobbs said: “No matter how much rainforest we cut down, there’s acres riddled with odd-looking time-wasting creatures that make a real mess when mulched up in heavy machinery.

“I personally spent half this morning picking bits of some slow-moving marsupial dog out of caterpillar tracks, ruining my chinos into the bargain.

“Probably most of these species haven’t even been named. Although I collectively call them ‘f**kers’.”

Experts estimate that there are as many as 10,000 species that despite being completely obsolete in any evolutionary sense insist on clinging selfishly to life.

Prof Nikki Hollis said: “We’ve no problem with ‘proper’ animals like dogs, horses, or chickens, but all the random shit out there serves no useful purpose and doesn’t even taste nice. 

“If you never even knew we had them you won’t miss them, right? Anyway half of them are bloody insects.”