Reform ahead of Tory party in contest of the ugliest bastards

REFORM have narrowly edged ahead of the Conservatives in a battle to be Britain’s most unelectable right-wing arseholes.

Nigel Farage’s party are now the ones 18 points behind Labour and will also be defeated heavily at the general election, which is an incredible step forward for them.

Farage said: “Well, who’s the opposition doomed to a catastrophic loss and a decade out of government now, bitches? 

“When voters walk to the polls next month, trying to choose between an inoffensive centrist and a bunch of right-wing headbangers with nothing to offer but rabid, glint-eyed xenophobia, it’ll be my face that swims into their head and causes them to vote Labour. Ha!

“We’re fractionally less repellent than the Tories, which is obviously cause for great celebration. Now you have no choice but to hand the Conservatives over to me, who might get elected for the first time on my eighth try.

“Yes, you’ll probably have a hundred or so MPs and I might have two, one of whom was your deputy chairman until March, but be in no doubt I hold the whip hand.

“Can we delay my annexing your party like Adolf in ’38 until November? Only I’m in the US helping a convicted felon who tried to overthrow democracy get elected.”

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Man discovering wife's affair finally able to admit he broke missing mug

A HUSBAND who discovered his wife had been having a year-long affair was relieved to finally admit he broke a mug while unloading the dishwasher.

Joe Turner, 36, had been weighed down by the guilt of the broken mug for two weeks – so was delighted when his wife’s adultery gave him the perfect opportunity to come clean.

He said: “It’s one of her favourite mugs and I was agonising over how I was going to bring it up. When I found out she’d been forging a deep physical and emotional connection with someone else behind my back I was absolutely thrilled.

“I saw some messages on her phone and when I confronted her about them she broke down and told me everything. I just couldn’t believe my luck. I knew instantly it was time bring up the mug. How could she be mad at me now?

“I told her what had happened when I was emptying the dishwasher and she just seemed uninterested and confused. All she wanted to talk about was her affair and how she doesn’t know whether she loves me anymore. It was an absolute result.”  

Since his discovery, Turner and his wife Ellie have had no further conversations about the affair or the future of their relationship.

Joe added: “Obviously the whole affair thing is a bit upsetting and I’m going to have a proper think about all that at some point.

“But honestly, this whole mug thing was causing me so much grief. I thought she was going to kill me. It feels like a huge weight’s been lifted off my shoulders.”