Triathletes unable to say why

COMPETITORS in punishing triathlons are at a loss to explain why they would ever take part in them, it has emerged. 

Extreme sportsmen and women have admitted they put themselves through challenges that take months of training and exhaust them in body and mind for no real reward at all.

Nikki Hollis, who is entered for a full iron-distance triathlon later this month, said: “It’s for the challenge? But that doesn’t explain why this and not a hot-dog eating contest.

“I’m not doing it for the camaraderie because there isn’t any, I’m not doing it to impress people because the universal reaction to my swimming two miles, then cycling 112, then running a marathon is first horror and second concern for my mental health.

“They say it releases the same endorphins as hard drugs. But at this stage, hard drugs would be preferable both in terms of physical strain and time invested.”

Triathlete Susan Traherne said: “For me, it reinforces that I’m Susan Traherne, a unique individual and free spirit, challenges Susan Traherne to be the best Susan Traherne I can be, and when I’m the best Susan Traherne to be a Susan Traherne that’s even better.

“Does that mean anything? They were definitely all words.”

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Nation struggles to think of something to thank their fathers for

AS FATHERS Day looms, Britain is trying its hardest to think of any occasion where their fathers did anything worthy of recognition or gratitude. 

Tom Booker, aged 34, surveyed the cards at Tesco but was troubled to find they all had some version of the sentiment ‘Thanks, Dad’ which he felt inappropriate for his own paternal relationship.

Booker said: “What if he asks, ‘Thanks for what?’ What will I say then?

“When I try to remember wonderful things he’s done as a father over the years, all I can remember is him sitting in his big chair reading the Metro.

“It actually feels slightly sarcastic to thank him for my childhood when we both know full well he was watching Football Focus behind me for most of it. Especially if I was telling him anything even slightly emotional.

“I mean he seems alright, he’s just not what you’d call an active parent. Presents are fine, he fits the stereotype so completely he’s happy with a beer mug or boxers with Homer Simpson on every year. But thanking him feels like going a bit too far.”

Lucy Parry, aged 21, agreed: “I don’t want to embarrass him or he’ll just get up and silently leave the room earlier than he normally does anyway.

“How about one that just says ‘Dad’ on the front? That pretty much sums up how I feel about him.”