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Thanos. Ernst Blofeld. Emperor Palpatine. And Sadiq Khan, most evil of them all

YOU cannot imagine what it’s like, you provincials. Living here, in London, in the shadow of the most despotic, corrupt, malevolent regime ever known.

Your astrological week ahead for February 24th, with Psychic Bob

Suffering vaginal dryness? Have you tried checking for packets of silica gel?

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… let's hope Tory voters like wiping arses, eh, Cleverly?

WAKING up in a septic tank in a pool of urine not exclusively my own, following a sequence of events with which I shall not detain you, I wearily clamber out and take stock of recent events.

Heaven is a massive slab of meat off a cow's arse: The gammon food critic visits a steakhouse

YOU know those massive methane farts cows stand around pumping out all day, destroying the ozone layer? They'll soon stop once they're dead and under the grill. You won't see that in our woke vegan media.

Michael Sheen and five other celebrities who you'd never guess it but are actually Welsh

NOT all celebrities are from America, some of them even come from Wales. Not that you would ever suspect these ones hail from the Land of Song.

Woman has admirably feminist reason for cheating

A WOMAN caught cheating has a respectable, patriarchy-smashing reason for doing so, it has emerged.

This week in Mash History: Marie Antoinette invents being a dickhead influencer, 1770

THE name of Marie Antoinette, consort of Louis XVI of France, has endured almost entirely because of how fit she was. But did you know she also invented influencing?

Your astrological week ahead for February 17th, with Psychic Bob

“I want to thank you. For the advice you gave me? That flying f**k at that rolling donut was the best sexual experience of my life.”

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... why nobody should be in the f**king Eurovision Song Contest

WAKING up in a cryogenic freezing machine, I lift the lid and wonder at what point in the future I have arrived. 

Haha, the thumbs-up emoji and other texts people send when they don't fancy you back

A TEXT reply from your crush should show barely-concealed longing and lust. So why are yours bland placeholder messages? Here’s what people text back when they’re just not feeling it.