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WAGWAN? Active J does not sleep wiv da big light on anymore, coz man’s ID sez him’s a genuine hadult an’ can now buy fruity vapes legit, over da counter, innit. 

THOM Logan, aged 28, is meant to be dating 26-year-old Lauren Hewitt but fancies the girl on the next table along way more. Will this be a problem?

And once again, despite this happening at least twice a week for the last decade, you find you have no conversational common ground with a North Sea trawlerman.

WAKING with a hangover which, if plugged into the national grid, could maintain a small town’s electricity supply for a month, I reflect on a momentous week for my ministry. 

HEY, it’s the Duke of Sussex here. The artist formerly known as HRH. Good old Harry. Although I’m actually called Henry, apparently. I only just found out. Weird.

What if the stars are one giant dot-to-dot we must complete to reveal how the universe works? Can we get astrophysicists on that?

WAKING in a gutter in Lambeth with a hangover that is causing my head to rotate like an owl’s, I realise I have no memory of who I am; it seems the brain cells containing that vital information have been urinated away. 

IT all came into focus with that vulgar orange, green and white balaclava. Everything wrong with our world has a single cause: pop music.

EXPRESSING your desire to take things up a notch in the bedroom when you’re wide awake with faith in your libido and/or dick is only the first step.

Following Red Light Spells Danger with Get Outta My Dreams, Get into My Car is Billy Ocean telling you he’s fighting an unsuccessful battle against picking up streetwalkers.