Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

What’s ‘Billie’ Eilish even short for? Is it Billicent?

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the eternal irony of Suella fucking Braverman

WAKING with a severe head cold, sneezing uncontrollably, I realise that I have chosen quite the day for it.

I know HS2's cancelled. You know HS2's cancelled. So why go through the painful charade of announcing it?

IT’S hard to announce the cancellation of a train line that’s cost £57 billion and make it sound good for growth. So I’m not going to. Announce it that is, I’m still cancelling it.

We all camp in that tent: seven Bake-Off secrets by Alison Hammond

THE Great British Bake Off is back, with new host Alison Hammond initiated into its sordid world of cakes and implied sex. These are the things she didn’t know.

Six lazy sex positions for the minimal-effort lover, with the Mash sex columnist

THE high-impact multi-position end-changing shag is the dream, but what you really fancy is a nice lie down. Combine the two for lovely low-maintenance orgasms.

Mash Blind Date: Can married man Julian justify an affair with Hannah, and is she particularly interested?

HANNAH, aged 27, swiped right on 38-year-old Julian even though his holiday photos were very suspiciously cropped. But is he willing to take the plunge into infidelity?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Fern gasped. For in the web in the high corner of the barn, above where Wilbur sat beaming, two words glistened unmistakably in the morning dew. ‘FUCK OFF’, they read.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the long-overdue castration of Russell cocking Brand

WAKING on cobbles, I realise I have just fainted and feel my vital organs shutting down one by one like lights in a towerblock.

My call to Lachlan Murdoch is apparently 47th in the queue. 'Top 50!' I mouth to my wife

THE moment I heard, I picked up the phone to offer my congratulations. And the three hours since have simply flown by.

All this trouble to save the life of a chicken: The gammon food critic visits a vegan cafe

VEGANISM. The way I see it, you’re going some if you’re going a step more extreme than Hitler.