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That etiquette expert bloke is basically a dominatrix for the middle classes. ‘Oh, tell me again how common I am for using liquid soap! So humiliating! I’ve come!’

WAKING up with a perfectly clear head, I take a light breakfast, attend to my correspondence and then take morning worship, addressing the theme of the Impiety in the Modern Age without a single use of the word ‘f**k’.

WANNA know how to walk into any garden centre from Minshull’s in Crewe to Coopers of Bishop Stortford and f**king own the goddam place? Learn from a Hollywood legend like me.

YOU have appointed an unmarried foreigner to manage England and, in accordance with tradition in this role, I shall put it about. Here’s the six I favour.

FROM Bridgerton to Gossip Girl to Prince Harry’s autobiography, nothing gets the popular imagination going better than high net-worth coitus.

Sure, the Grand Canyon’s pretty grand. But can you even name another canyon? It's basically a closed shop.

WAKING up with a hangover that has quite turned my blood green, especially that dribbling from my anus, I reflect on my weekly sermon, an impassioned address inspired by the online game Wordle.

DEEP down, are you a monogamous ‘missionary will do’ kind of person, but want the world to think you’re sexually exciting? Here’s how to give the impression you’re less vanilla than you are. 

JUST 60 individuals, each earning at least £50 million a year, paid £3 billion in income tax and expect the rest of us to f**king thank them.

CAN 28-year-old Joe Turner and 32-year-old Joanna Kramer make it through a whole meal without this wild oversexed cougar banging him right there on the table?