Woke singers. Luvvie actors. Where were the ordinary right-thinking common-sense Leave voters at last night's Concert for Ukraine?

SINGERS, yes plenty of them. Actors? The usual surfeit. But there was not one single ordinary working-class Boris supporter at the Concert for Ukraine.

Let's move to where everyone thinks they film Hollyoaks! This week: Chester

Sadly Chester is perilously close to Wales, making the xenophobic English residents seethe with bitter fury.

Mash Blind Date: 'I thought oysters would be an aphrodisiac, until she almost shit herself'

She got quite red in the face and broke out into a visible sweat, which I assumed was the oysters working their magic. It turned out they were, but not as I’d intended.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

A friend comes to you with a proposition – smell their finger? Don’t rush in, and consider your options.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Liam twatting Gallagher

Shit my cassock, how thick, lumpen and out of ideas about how to exist would you have to be to want to buy an album by that poxy, rat-faced fuckwit Liam Gallagher?

A spear has been driven through the heart of Britannia. The murderer? Rishi Sunak

MOURN Britannia, for she is no more. The colossus which once bestrode the globe has been murdered, her country dead, its natives doomed. The murder weapon? Rishi Sunak’s budget.

Mash Blind Date: 'They've sent me on a date with a bloke, but I'm straight'

Neil seems absolutely lovely, charming, funny and handsome. But, given that I’m heterosexual and said so on the form, that’s by the by. Was no woman available? Would none of them date me?

Wow your guests by serving the ultimate party food, with Colin the emotionally unstable chef

Make an effort to really impress your guests, even if they are slavering human dustbins who drink you dry then bitch about you behind your back.

Let's move to a blighted post-industrial Midlands city! This week: Stoke-on-Trent

Stoke-on-Trent is a city made of six towns, all of which are shit individually before they form together to be shit collectively, like a shit Voltron.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

This week you decide to cut out the middleman, put glasses, a moustache and a little hat on your cock, and set that as your Tinder profile picture.

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