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WHAT is it with this sudden invasion of Vietnamese restaurants opening over here? Unheard of 20 years ago, now you can't bloody move for the things.

I WAS gagged this morning by a look in the mirror. Instead of a youthful, Yassified face, I saw faint signs of wrinkles and a single grey hair.

Best opening chess move? Getting up and walking away. You’re too cool for that shit.

WAKING up with a hangover that would cause a blue whale to turn green and let out farts and belches generating waves liable to upend distant fishing boats, I reflect on my week. 

WAGWAN? Active J does not sleep wiv da big light on anymore, coz man’s ID sez him’s a genuine hadult an’ can now buy fruity vapes legit, over da counter, innit. 

THOM Logan, aged 28, is meant to be dating 26-year-old Lauren Hewitt but fancies the girl on the next table along way more. Will this be a problem?

And once again, despite this happening at least twice a week for the last decade, you find you have no conversational common ground with a North Sea trawlerman.

WAKING with a hangover which, if plugged into the national grid, could maintain a small town’s electricity supply for a month, I reflect on a momentous week for my ministry. 

HEY, it’s the Duke of Sussex here. The artist formerly known as HRH. Good old Harry. Although I’m actually called Henry, apparently. I only just found out. Weird.

What if the stars are one giant dot-to-dot we must complete to reveal how the universe works? Can we get astrophysicists on that?