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The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the NHS is trying to kill us, so we'd better pay shitloads to go private, am I right?

WAKING up with a hangover that feels like rhinoceri are vigorously mating within my cranium, I reflect on the events of the past couple of days. 

A white home counties roadman endures wasteman careers week

WAGWAN? Active J is bare misunderstood, bruv. Man has been hexplainin’ all week to wasteman careers muppets, man don’t need no job hadvice. Man is flexin’ swag to bein’ a gangsta rapper, innit?

Woman slags off boyfriend so much she has no choice but to dump him

A WOMAN has criticised her boyfriend so heavily to friends and family that she now has no choice but to dump him.

A confused Millennial tries to… save a house deposit

DID you know you can buy your own property? Me neither, until all my friends with rich, generous parents started doing it. Even some of the less well-off ones have done it, but only if they moved to Newport, wherever that is.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Richard Dawkins, 'cultural Christian' or smug rodent tit?

WAKING up with a hangover, I look back on the past two days. The furore began when CCTV emerged of me masturbating furiously in front of a statue of the Virgin Mary. I will admit that looked bad.

Do you want anything from Tesco? By Lizzo

HEY y'all, it’s your girl Lizzo. Music icon. Boss bitch. Plus-size goddess. Frequent patron of Tesco on Clifford Bridge Road in Coventry. So let me ask you this – d'you need anything picking up?

Will you get laid before the election? A quiz

BRITAIN is due a general election this year and you’re overdue a bout of bedroom activity. But given widespread reluctance to call either, which will happen first?

Gammon would still shag Team GB flag if it was up for it

A PATRIOT outraged by the Team GB flag would still give it one if it gave him the eye, he had admitted.

Your astrological week ahead for March 30th, with Psychic Bob

It’s not just Easter eggs you should keep away from dogs. They should also be discouraged from consuming an entire Simnel cake.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the Tories' fish-and-chip bullshit

WAKING in John O’ Groats, after having aided my repose with several bottles of malt whisky, I reflect on the events that led me to isolation in the far North.