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‘Yeah, I said I was down for short kings, not short emperors,’ you say leaving Napoleon, rejected again, weeping silently into his greatcoat.

WAKING with a hangover so excruciating that when I urinate onto the pavement below my chambers a small, black, hissing crater is formed, I shut the window and reflect on another week in the interface between church and politics.

LEAVITT: Okay, everyone sit down, settle down. Any liberal media in here? You’re already wrong and what you write about this is lies. Good? Good.

EVERYONE deserves love, and everyone deserves the battery-powered plastic love aids that come with it. But spending £100 only to discover you don’t like it up you? Painful.

Buckingham Palace should be knocked down and turned into a visitor’s centre for the nearby Victoria Station. The tourists are clamouring for it.

WAKING with a hangover so pounding I have been receiving requests from drum and bass artists to sample it, I hear my chief clerk knocking on the door of my chambers excitedly.

THE release of the new Netflix series about my band Take That - the one I'm boss and most talented member of - means it's time for a celebratory slap-up meal. And that means offal.

STANDING eerie against a Highlands backdrop, the goings-on in a Scottish castle and specifically who is loyal and who a traitor have all of Britain transfixed.

Give a man a fish. Congratulations! You have made one pescatarian.

WAKING with a hangover so intense I make a mental note to compose a sermon titled ‘The Sin Of Sluggishness: Scientists’ Failure To Make Any Advance In Head Transplant Surgery’, and reflect upon another momentous week.