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WAKING with a hangover so intense that for a few hours I grow an extra head that keeps tediously vowing to never drink again, I take on copious liquids and reflect on the past week. 

IN the olden days they called it droit du seigneur. It’s still on the statute books. Put simply, it means any Royal has the right to have sex with anyone he desires at all times.

JULIAN Cook, aged 46, is a knackered dad of five children. 38-year-old Lauren Hewitt lives alone in a flat with a washing machine not permanently full of PE kit. Can it work?

So now you’ve met the PinkPantheress, the rinky-dink Pantheress, have you ever met a Pantheress whose songs were so short?

WAKING with a hangover so intense my head is glowing green and I can actually see my skull when I look in the mirror, I drink an entire fish tank of water to rehydrate and reflect on my week. 

TIME for a city break. I'm no lover of the Hun, but I keep hearing good things about Berlin. So not being one to harp on about the fact that we kicked their arses twice at World Wars, I'm giving it a go.

IT’S real, it’s here, it’s happening and you’re about to get some, and now you’re going to ruin the moment by bringing feelings into it?

Jon Bon Jovi, singer of Bon Jovi, had no idea he had named his band after himself. ‘F**k me,’ he said, ‘you’re right.’

WAKING with a hangover that leaves me reluctant to excrete lest I void not just my bowels but also my abdomen of vital organs, I reflect on another week in my stewardship of the church.

WAGWAN? Man ‘as been in turbo-turmoil dis week, fam. Active J wanted man’s peng form teacher Miss Jackson to see him’s new trim wiv slightly more fade but her did not come in.