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Great so many people have been able to see Oasis this summer. They can cross that off their bucket hat list.

WAKING with a hangover the size of Hampshire, I clear my system by vomiting copiously from an upstairs window, which drenches a passerby but calms my stomach magnificently, and reflect upon the week’s events. 

NOBODY knows their burgers like us Brits. They're a homegrown national institution, like pizzas and curry. Except these days everyone feels the need to reinvent the f**king wheel.

SHYNESS, laziness and ChatGPT guided James Bates, aged 30, to a date with 33-year-old Jo Kramer. But will this modern-day Cyrano have the heart of a poet in person?

Ladies, why not spice up your love life by claiming you’ve been fingered by a ghost?

WAKING with a hangover so toxic that when I vomit and my dog comes scampering into my room to eat it he drops dead on the spot, I reflect on the week’s events.

WAGWAN? Did fam see Active J on da TV? Man woz hinspirational. Parentdem is batshit for da tennis, innit. So dem fixed it for yours truly to be a ball muggle at da Wimbledon ting!

TOO afraid to share you’re a furry with your wife? You’re right to be, she’ll leave you. Only a freak wants to be done by a 42-year-old mortgage advisor in a Pepé Le Pew costume.

Reassuring to know Noel Edmonds is in New Zealand, as far away from a British TV studio as it is physically possible to be.

WAKING up with a hangover so intense I see everything in a lurid shade of green for several hours until it abates, I reflect on another milestone in the history of the Church of England.