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AFTER every great disaster – Vesuvius, the Boris Johnson administration, Chelsea signing Winston Bogarde – come questions. But does history get the answers right?

The first guy to take a canary in a coal mine just couldn’t bear to be separated from his happy, tweeting companion for a whole day.

WAKING up with a hangover so physically harmful my toilet bowl melts when I urinate in it, I reflect on another momentous week in ecclesiastical affairs. 

HI there my little witches! Your beloved Cynthia here. I hope you've all been holding some space for me!

TIME to admit it: millennials are more cooked than pub chips. Boomers think we’re snowflakes, Gen X think we’re entitled pricks, and Gen Z think we’re cringe uncs.

One day, Ryan Gosling will grow up and realise he is actually a beautiful swan.

WAKING with a hangover so searing the negative psychic energy causes my pet hamster Judas to expire, I reflect on another momentous week in ecclesiastical affairs.

THE BBC needs to apologise to Trump, meaning America. As it seems incapable of admitting it has been wrong about everything since 1929, I’ve drafted one.

SHORT king Oliver O’Connor, aged 29, neglected to mention his regal lack of stature to date Grace Wood-Morris, aged 32. Will she notice?

‘Ratajkowski? Now that’s one Emily I’d like to get my dick in, son!’ you say but, the lads being largely ignorant of 19th century American poets, not one of them gets it.