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IN my God-fearing lifestyle, extramarital sex condemns you to eternal damnation. But the Bible has nothing to say about seven-inch silicone dildos or vibrating cock rings.

IF you’re ever suffering from imposter syndrome, remember that the guy from the B-52s thought he should become a professional singer.

WAKING up with a hangover so intense that jets of purple liquid spray from my eyeballs, I take a hydration break with several gallons of spring water to bring myself back to baseline.

HELLO England fans. Jude Bellingham here. Marauding midfielder and national hero. Let me tell you straight off, no one was as gutted as me when we bollocksed things up against the Argies.

Dress as a sexy lady pirate every day, and eventually you’ll be able to say ‘The day I met my husband, I was dressed as a sexy lady pirate!’ and that’ll make a great story.

WAKING up with a hangover so dreadful I throw up a kidney which I then have to dive after and swallow back down, I gently sip several gallons of water and allow my delicate system to settle. 

‘WE offered him security,’ Labour bleated. A bodyguard? A car? Pathetic. Do they not realise that, through not fault of his own, Nigel is the most loathed man in Britain?

WHEN considering the sexy areas of the body, the mind immediately goes to the big three: arse, tits and bits. But, amazingly, there’s actually more to human sexuality that those.

As the Baddiel and Skinner song goes, ‘30 plus N years of hurt, where N = an even number of years since 1996 in a summer when England qualify for a World Cup or European Championship, never stopped me dreaming.’

WAKING with a hangover so excruciating I have to activate tiny, specially installed windscreen wipers on my eyeballs to wash away the blood, I look back on a somewhat sweltering week.