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HANNAH Tomlinson, known to her coven as 28-year-old Isolde Hexebane, wonders if Tom Logan, aged 28, is The One whose sacrifice her dark masters crave?

‘Oh I do like to be beside the seaside,’ quoth the seagull.

WAKING with a hangover so intense I shat out both my kidneys and an auxiliary third one I had transplanted, my mind turned to strangely relevant historical events.

NOTHING can be as nature intended these days. Women who think they're men. Men who think they're women. The 'gender neutral' lot who claim to be neither when a quick look in their pants would clear it up once and for all. 

YOUR braces are off, you’ve discovered Lynx Epic Fresh and your parents have accepted getting laid is a possibility. This is the red-faced, mumbled advice they gave you.

Call that a wig, Kate? Charles II would like a word.

WAKING up with a hangover that requires me to consume 42 gallons of water in five minutes to assuage it, I reflect on the week’s ecclesiastical events. 

WAGWAN? Active J is habsent from school. You see, fam, Drilla threw shade an’ posted a rank photo on Hinsta of man chillin’ what said: ‘Inactive J! Did him eat all da pies?’ It got bare likes. 

THE celebration of Christmas for a full third of the year has long been an English tradition. But what many don’t realise is that for 13 years it wasn’t, because of mince pies.

Mr Miyagi had it wrong. It should have been ‘Wax on, wane off.’