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Your astrological week ahead for July 19th, with Psychic Bob

Great so many people have been able to see Oasis this summer. They can cross that off their bucket hat list.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… enjoying Wonderwall for the 10,000th time, Noel?

WAKING with a hangover the size of Hampshire, I clear my system by vomiting copiously from an upstairs window, which drenches a passerby but calms my stomach magnificently, and reflect upon the week’s events. 

Patties like beer mats and chips from f**king sweet potatoes: The gammon food critic's smash burger bar experience

NOBODY knows their burgers like us Brits. They're a homegrown national institution, like pizzas and curry. Except these days everyone feels the need to reinvent the f**king wheel.

Mash Blind Date: 'It's a lot harder using ChatGPT to charm her into bed in person'

SHYNESS, laziness and ChatGPT guided James Bates, aged 30, to a date with 33-year-old Jo Kramer. But will this modern-day Cyrano have the heart of a poet in person?

Your astrological week ahead for July 12th, with Psychic Bob

Ladies, why not spice up your love life by claiming you’ve been fingered by a ghost?

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… RIP Jimmy Swaggart, man of God but mostly prostitutes

WAKING with a hangover so toxic that when I vomit and my dog comes scampering into my room to eat it he drops dead on the spot, I reflect on the week’s events.

A white home counties roadman 'as been chosen to be a bossman ball boy at da Wimbledon tennis ting

WAGWAN? Did fam see Active J on da TV? Man woz hinspirational. Parentdem is batshit for da tennis, innit. So dem fixed it for yours truly to be a ball muggle at da Wimbledon ting!

Embarrassing sex secrets you're right to keep to your f**king self, with the Mash sex columnist

TOO afraid to share you’re a furry with your wife? You’re right to be, she’ll leave you. Only a freak wants to be done by a 42-year-old mortgage advisor in a Pepé Le Pew costume.

Your astrological week ahead for July 5th, with Psychic Bob

Reassuring to know Noel Edmonds is in New Zealand, as far away from a British TV studio as it is physically possible to be.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… has Rod Stewart turned into your bigoted gran?

WAKING up with a hangover so intense I see everything in a lurid shade of green for several hours until it abates, I reflect on another milestone in the history of the Church of England.