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LIKE a marathon, embarking on cunnilingus without proper training can result in serious injury. Minimise the risk of disappointing her again sexually with this guide.

A difficult moment in a job interview when they ask your biggest weakness and you reply ‘Jaffa Cakes’.

WAKING with a hangover so monstrous I must clench my buttocks to prevent myself excreting my liver until the moment of crisis passes, I reflect with no little irritation upon a new appointment.

WINNING the Euros a second time round means your success-starved nation is forced to go to even greater lengths to show its gratitude. But please don’t bother giving me the 'freedom' of these places. 

MORE than a millennia ago, the UK faced an unprecedented invasion from foreigners seizing land and assaulting women which nobody resented even slightly.

“I’m representing you pro bono, so midway through the trial I may go off on a tangent about how f**king good Achtung Baby was.”

WAKING up with a hangover so intense that the hangover itself has a hangover, I reflect on another tumultuous week in ecclesiastical affairs. 

I’M NOT smooth-brained. I know that the marketplace of ideas regularly blesses consumers with overpriced crazes, and it’s our civic duty to buy into them.

Great so many people have been able to see Oasis this summer. They can cross that off their bucket hat list.

WAKING with a hangover the size of Hampshire, I clear my system by vomiting copiously from an upstairs window, which drenches a passerby but calms my stomach magnificently, and reflect upon the week’s events.