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WHY shouldn’t I? After all, nobody else is paying. But while the Albanians can walk out with armfuls of diamond bracelets, you guessed it – it’s different for Brits.

MODERN dating is a hellscape. Or so my friends enjoying bountiful casual sex thanks to dating apps tell me. But relationships are the real AI-generated desert.

PROFIT from a Freakier Friday body-swap scenario in which people invariably return to their own bodies by demanding £5,000 not to cut off a leg. 

WAKING up with a hangover that has turned my genitals quite, quite green, I reflect on the week’s unusually warm weather. 

I'M off on holiday. It's been a while and a mate down the pub told me Sorrento is pretty upmarket. As a discerning chap, I wanted my first time in Eyetie Land to be classy.

LOVE has eluded Wayne Hayes, aged 45, due to a lengthy prison sentence. Will 40-year-old Nikki Hollis be more open than the last four years?

YOUR partner often looks at you fondly and says you’re a child at heart. You’d think she’d be disgusted by you using a potty.

WAKING up with a hangover so virulent it has developed its own head which protrudes from my neck shouting abuse, I reflect on my correspondence with The Times newspaper this week. 

WAGWAN? Fam, man’s daddem is usually bein’ a boring bankbot at him’s work, but dis week mumdem sez him’s going to take Joshua an’ Lady G to a gig. You wot?

LIKE a marathon, embarking on cunnilingus without proper training can result in serious injury. Minimise the risk of disappointing her again sexually with this guide.