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“I'm actually putting all of this weight on for a role in a Hollywood movie.”

WAKING with a hangover that leaves me seeing quadruple until I vomit copiously from a bay window, I reflect on the harrowing experience I had tried to blot out with alcohol.

DID you stay up for it? For the coronation? The moment the people of Clacton, Britain’s bellwether, elected our next prime minister?

THE King’s speech to parliament is the first chance for Britain to find out what they voted for three weeks ago, they have confirmed.

I’VE got a high-profile job, which I admittedly lucked into, that I’ve done pretty well for eight years. I’m not the best in the world or even in Europe but I am second-best in Europe and my bosses like me.

Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get thrown out of London Zoo. But sometimes just a couple will get the job done.

WAKING up with a hangover so stinking it can be smelt in neighbouring boroughs, I recall the events that led me to my current pass. 

I HAD to escape this pissbag of an English summer. Endless bloody rain and I can't even blame it on immigration, like I do every other problem with Britain.

A WOMAN has decided to have children so she can breeze in and out of work whenever she wants, no questions asked.

GOING to Turkey? Boobs, bum or labiaplasty? With vaginal anxiety apparently at an all-time high, women are turning to cosmetic surgery for the smile few will ever see.