Five great two-month breaks for secret lizard people, by the Princess of Wales

KATE’S absence from public life has led to dreadful tittle-tattle and rumours, but the mundane truth is simply that she’s reverted to lizard form. Here she reveals her favourite places to visit as a reptile.

Gen Zers dual screening porn 

YOUNG people are adept at watching two different genres of pornography simultaneously on separate devices, it has emerged.

Vegans ecstatic at development of new vile and unholy meat alternative 

VEGANS across the country are celebrating the creation of yet another freakish aberration of nature that scientists have dubbed a ‘meat alternative’.

Your astrological week ahead for March 2nd, with Psychic Bob

I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts and you’ve got the only key? That can’t be right.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the Tories knowing f**k all about the British way of life

WAKING up with a headache that feels like my brain matter has been trampled by an angry donkey, I reflect on the events of the last two days. I had attended an informal international event, established in 1886 among the world’s Archbishops: a masturbation contest.

How to scrape out a compliment about your partner's genitals, with the Mash sex columnist

JUST like when a friend asks your opinion on a poem they’ve written, it can be hard to find nice things to say about your partner’s junk. But anything that may boost your chances of oral sex is worth a go.

Her new laser eyes won't turn off: Which insane Princess Kate disappearance rumour do you believe?

ARE you a rational person, or do you now believe one of these wild Princess Kate rumours swirling around the internet?

Vapes to be taxed by how stupid they smell

VAPES are to be taxed according to how stupid their plume of candy-flavoured smoke smells, it has emerged.

Thanos. Ernst Blofeld. Emperor Palpatine. And Sadiq Khan, most evil of them all

YOU cannot imagine what it’s like, you provincials. Living here, in London, in the shadow of the most despotic, corrupt, malevolent regime ever known.