Let's move to the home of black pudding and a not-world-famous market! This week: Bury

SIR Robert Peel’s legacy consists not only of founding the much-loved Metropolitan Police, but also the continuing excellence of his hometown, Bury. What other town has both a market and a limited range of high street shops? None, you’ll find.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

It’s a thankless job being a bouncer. No one ever comes back and says ‘Good call not letting me in last night. I was far too hammered. And fair enough, that shirt was casual.’

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Matt Le Knobhead Tissier

The only reason you want to sell off Channel 4 is because Krishnan Guru-Murthy humiliated you  using the cunning journalist’s trick of allowing you to open your mouth and talk!

How to turn up tasty leftovers into a delicious full meal, with Colin the emotionally unstable chef

They’re just taking the piss now. Shepherd’s pie with baked beans slopped in. Still, I bet Marco Pierre White would say it was manna from heaven if Knorr paid him enough.

Channel 4's 40-year odyssey of filth, violence and deviant sex is over. We will never recover

We are a nation of depraved, deviant pigs, wallowing in our own filth, begging for one more episode of Eurotrash.

Let's move to a dying port city Philip Larkin really hated! This week: Hull

WHEN you arrive you’re sure to receive a warm welcome, or the threat of brutal violence – the local accent is so thick it’s impossible to tell. Still, it helps justify the local souvenir t-shirt, ‘It’s Never Dull in Hull’. Although that is a lie.

Mash Blind Date: 'I could tell she was aroused by my knowledge of Star Trek minutiae'

He asked me if I ‘do all the sex positions’. I’ve met forward blokes who like trying to get a reaction, but Martin didn’t seem to be joking.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

It’s better to have loved and lost than have never been a billionaire oligarch with a massive yacht at all.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the Duke of bastard York

Way to say ‘fuck you’ to any poor sex trafficking victim who had the misfortunate to be introduced to her favourite fucking son! 

Starmer says the public should know if I got fined. I say the Brylcreemed bitch should go fuck himself

‘He fancies me,’ I told Big Dog. ‘All the Tories fancy you,’ he said. ‘Raab’s asked for your phone number.’ ‘No, Starmer,’ I said and his eyes went all tiny.

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