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The Archbishop of Canterbury on... how the f**k do you lose money on a monopoly?

WAKING up with a hangover so intense that liquid traces of my brain have dribbled through my eardrums onto my pillowcase, I sit up, check my ‘emails' and am surprised to find a message from Laura Kuenssberg. 

A tale of two chippies: The gammon food critic's fish supper showdown

I LOVE a good chippie tea, me. Been going to Roland's Happy Plaice for years now. He's a Northerner, but I try not to hold that against him. The further towards Scotland you go the better they get at deep-frying shit.

'When am I going to be in these f**king diaries?' I ask Big Dog. 'They cut out the hot bits,' he replies

I’M leafing through. And leafing through. And looking for the bit of his memoir where the flowers of romance blossom between a roguish politician and his gorge PR.

Your astrological week ahead for September 27th, with Psychic Bob

You’ve got tickets to an immersive David Hockney experience. A swimming pool.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... I thought Coldplay fans liked boredom?

WAKING with a hangover strong enough to function as a wifi signal, I take a sip of water and reflect on the week’s events, in particular an unfortunate slip of the tongue during a speech.

A white home counties roadman swags him's gangsta birthday party

WAGWAN? Peng birthday to man, peng birthday to man, peng birthday Active J, peng birthday to man, innit.

Nanny state to take over your masturbation, says Labour

THE Labour party has confirmed the nanny state is to take over every aspect of your life, down to and including your self-abuse.

A confused millennial tries to… get by on one full-time job

LIKE most of my generation I have what, four, five jobs? No, six. Actually counting the dealing seven. Each a more precarious side hustle than the last.

Your astrological week ahead for September 21st, with Psychic Bob

Prepare for your first black tie dinner by snacking on other smaller and differently coloured ties first.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... do you want some working-class credibility with that?

WITH Morrissey having somewhat huffily ceded rights to the name 'The Smiths', I felt it could be a first rate way of spreading the Good Word if I were to appear at a concert with the new iteration of the beat group.