Premium

A white home counties roadman swags Christmas an’ da X-Boxing Day ting

WAGWAN, festive fam? Peng tidings to you an’ your crew. Christmas been nang for man.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the joy and magic of fucking Christmas

WAKING with a familiar, dreaded sensation around my hindquarters, I realise that owing to an excess of spirituous liquor I have once again befouled myself.

Apparently Christmas is a time for forgiveness. So I forgive you, Britain

AS a Hindu, I don’t know a lot about Christmas. And my idea to do a show where I learn the true meaning of it was called ‘the biggest vote-loser since Suez.’

Jingle bells my arse: The gammon food critic's family Christmas

MY son's invited me out for a Christmas dinner with the family. Mostly guilt; they're having the ex round on the day itself, and the two of us can’t be in the same postcode.

The Snowman: is it outdated and offensive and should be banned?

WATCHING The Snowman is an annual Christmas tradition for anyone with nothing better to do. But is the whimsical tale about a boy running away with a stranger problematic?

This week in Mash history: Norway panic buys last-minute gift for Britain, 1947

EVERY Christmas, Norway gifts Britain a 20-metre tall spruce in thanks for our air during World War Two, in a tradition the country is unable to stop without looking a dick.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

If the driver of the bus you are on is behaving in a rude and aggressive fashion, demand he stop. He represents you all and you can’t have your name attached to this.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the traditional Christmas misery-porn of EastEnders

WAKING with a clear head, feeling fully hydrated, the elevated state of the bedclothes alerts me that I am in possession of a massive and particularly rigid erection.

Every woman in Britain fantasises about Nigel Farage when making love. And most of the men

THE BBC pretends he doesn’t exist. ITV tried to smear him. But there has not been an orgasm in this country post-2013 not accompanied by the thought of Nigel Farage.

Why I still shoplift from newsagents, by Timothée Chalamet

PIN-UP and Wonka star Chalamet tells us why fame hasn’t changed him and he still sticks a Yorkie up his jumper whenever he pops into a high street newsagent.