Premium

Your astrological week ahead for January 4th, with Psychic Bob

It’s quicker to ask which TV presenters WON”T be outed as nonces in 2025. Attenborough and Cunk. That’s it.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Suella, strangely thick about where all the f**king foreigners come from

WAKING with a hangover so intense my brain is making an audible analogue noise similar to the stylings of the BBC Radiophonic Workshop, I begin my New Year’s resolution: to observe Dry January. 

Plant milk bollocks and food for bloody hamsters: The gammon food critic's New Year, New You diet

IF you ask me, New Year resolutions are just an excuse for the fun police to suck the enjoyment out of life. It’s like living in Nazi Germany, apart from the war, death camps and entirely different society. 

Your astrological week ahead for December 28th, with Psychic Bob

In Scotland they call New Year ‘Hog Money’. It’s a time when they give all their hard-earned cash to a massive, threatening pig called Hamish.

This week in Mash History: Group of shepherds trip absolute balls, 0 AD

IN every nativity play, shepherds tending their flock are informed of Jesus’s birth by ‘a multitude of the heavenly host’, as it was written in the Gospel according to Luke.

Your astrological week ahead for December 21st, with Psychic Bob

“Alexa, would you like to join my girlfriend and I in the bedroom? We’re feeling adventurous.”

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the right to offend tedious old pseudo-intellectual bellends

WAKING with a hangover that has turned my blood quite green and my faeces purple, I reflect on the sermon I delivered yesterday and my remarks upon the festive season. 

A white home counties roadman goes gangsta carol rappin'

WAGWAN? It is Christmas, fam, an’ school woz makin’ us pupildem take da wasteman mock hexams, innit. But Active J turned dat into a positive by rappin’ for da commoonity.

A confused millennial tries to… tell the difference between naughty and nice in the post-truth era

WE can have either truth or social media, and if that’s a difficult choice don’t worry, it’s already been made for you. But whither Santa?

Your astrological week ahead for December 14th, with Psychic Bob

A 2025 Sabrina Carpenter calendar where she gets smaller and smaller each month. By December she’s wearing a bowtie, corset and rabbit ears while flirting with the Higgs boson.