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WAKING with a hangover that has caused me to throw up a large chunk of my liver, I swallow an aspirin and reflect on a request for spiritual guidance on the LA wildfires.

HEY everyone! Zendaya here. The most famous person in the world if you're under 25. So famous I'm known by only one name, like Cher, Bono or Shipman. 

BILLIONAIRE Elon Musk has fallen in love with converting Europe to fascism, and he is pressing his ardour. Will Joanna Kramer, aged 44, fall to his shock troops?

“But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved the Duolingo owl.”

​​WAKING with a hangover so intense I have my secretary make inquiries with the Swiss authorities as to whether they provide assisted decapitation, I recall my recent run-in with Elon Musk.

WHO is Keir Starmer protecting so steadfastly, with his refusal to grant the inquiry requested by Elon Musk on X? Jeremy Corbyn? Prince Andrew? No. Himself.

LIKE the high notes in the Wicked soundtrack, some feats are best left to professionals. But if you’re chasing a blast of bedroom self-loathing to kick off the year, try these.

It’s quicker to ask which TV presenters WON”T be outed as nonces in 2025. Attenborough and Cunk. That’s it.

WAKING with a hangover so intense my brain is making an audible analogue noise similar to the stylings of the BBC Radiophonic Workshop, I begin my New Year’s resolution: to observe Dry January. 

IF you ask me, New Year resolutions are just an excuse for the fun police to suck the enjoyment out of life. It’s like living in Nazi Germany, apart from the war, death camps and entirely different society.