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WAKING up in a ditch near Doncaster, following an ecumenical retreat which developed into a most convivial affair, I find that while asleep I have been robbed of my mobile telephone and my wallet containing my cash and credit cards. 

I WOULD never use a terrorist atrocity to score cheap political points, but ask yourself this: how many Remoaners have stood up and called for Hamas to be hunted down like rabid dogs?

FOURTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, explains why he unjustly had his brand new iPhone confiscated in violation of his right to Snap.

ONLY middle-aged women with mum haircuts complain. Or so I thought until my McPlant Burger only came with small fries instead of medium and I was forced to become everything I hate.

YOU’VE made it this far, you’re actually having sex. Now be careful not to arse it up by throwing a terrible pet name into the mix mid-coitus.

Can’t the French just eat the bedbugs? Put them on the menu called ampules de sang de Paris like they’re a delicacy?

WAKING with a mouth drier than the remains of Mother Teresa, I blink and see several colleagues and friends, including the Bishops of Durham and York, at my bedside.

‘ISRAEL wins, whether against Hamas, Egypt, Lebanon or Britain,’ says Netanyahu. ‘Let’s reframe Britain’s contribution positively,’ I say.

THE sea’s full of weird shit. That doesn’t mean you have to eat it, and somebody should tell the Spaniards that.

WHAT do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A misbegotten monstrosity begging to die, and that’s what you’ll look like in this season’s woolly jumpers!