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DEEP down, are you a monogamous ‘missionary will do’ kind of person, but want the world to think you’re sexually exciting? Here’s how to give the impression you’re less vanilla than you are. 

JUST 60 individuals, each earning at least £50 million a year, paid £3 billion in income tax and expect the rest of us to f**king thank them.

CAN 28-year-old Joe Turner and 32-year-old Joanna Kramer make it through a whole meal without this wild oversexed cougar banging him right there on the table?

Want to feel old? Lou Bega just released Mambo Number 2,709.

WAKING up with a hangover so intense that liquid traces of my brain have dribbled through my eardrums onto my pillowcase, I sit up, check my ‘emails' and am surprised to find a message from Laura Kuenssberg. 

I LOVE a good chippie tea, me. Been going to Roland's Happy Plaice for years now. He's a Northerner, but I try not to hold that against him. The further towards Scotland you go the better they get at deep-frying shit.

I’M leafing through. And leafing through. And looking for the bit of his memoir where the flowers of romance blossom between a roguish politician and his gorge PR.

You’ve got tickets to an immersive David Hockney experience. A swimming pool.

WAKING with a hangover strong enough to function as a wifi signal, I take a sip of water and reflect on the week’s events, in particular an unfortunate slip of the tongue during a speech.

WAGWAN? Peng birthday to man, peng birthday to man, peng birthday Active J, peng birthday to man, innit.