The Archbishop of Canterbury on… is it okay to watch a f**king tedious Brigitte Bardot movie?

9th January 2026

WAKING with a hangover so intense my personal physician advises me not to defecate temporarily as there is a danger of my vital organs being emitted in liquid form, I reflect on another tumultuous week.

I had received a message from David Lammy, the justice secretary, who has spoken enthusiastically of his Christian faith, about which he is ‘not embarrassed’. He requested a private audience to discuss how he might bring the values of Christianity into the political realm.

I agreed. I asked him to meet me at Regent’s Park Zoo at dawn by private dispensation. There, we headed to the lion enclosure.

‘Mr Lammy, as a member of the present Labour Party I do not doubt your sincerity and honesty. However, your faith must be put to the test. I would ask you to step, like Daniel, into the lion’s den and put your faith in the Lord. Then, truly, you will be proven as a man of Christ.’

‘Well, I, er -‘ said Mr Lammy. However, before he could object further, I shoved him into the enclosure, locking the gate behind him. As I repaired to a private bar I knew to be open at that time of the morning, I heard the receding, terrified cries of a man shinning the high fences of the enclosure as a King of the Jungle took a voracious bite out of the seat of his trousers.

In God we trust, as those idiotic enough to believe thus say. With a wry smile, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that the Daily Mail have cast aspersions on the victim of the ICE shooting in Minneapolis, observing that she used pronouns in her profile, had a ‘handywoman’ for a partner and that new details revealed the ‘depths of the couple’s disdain for Trump’.

Fuck me, you insinuating bunch of evil cunts, how about you check out the depths of my fucking disdain for Donald Trump? Or anyone with a functioning heart, conscience or fucking brain? Does that means I deserve to be shot in the fucking face? Seriously, you absolute shitsucking scum should stick to upskirting celebrities and fat-shaming women, which is at least lower down the fucking scale of evil! But considering you were trolling in favour of the Blackshirts in the 1930s, it’s not much of a fucking surprise you’re fans of ICE!

Peter Mandelson has criticised what he describes as the ‘histrionic’ reaction to Donald Trump’s threats to annex Greenland. His remarks were featured prominently in The Guardian.

For fuck’s sake, why are the thoughts of this associate of a convicted trafficker of underage girls being given the sort of mass airing we get of the fucking Pope’s thoughts on Easter Sunday? Should we ask Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor what he makes of it all and clear the front page for his opinions? Of course Epstein’s pals are gonna fucking close ranks, what else would you expect from a vile specimen like Mandelson? But trust fucking centrists like The Guardian to treat him like some sort of heavy hitter whose every word carries weight and gravity!

The world continues to mourn the death of Brigitte Bardot, whose long association with France’s far-right prompted many to say we should separate the art from the artist.

You know what, fuck that, seriously! Never mind mourning this senile fucking bigot, who, luckily for her, didn’t go the way of other notable French fascists, ie. shot by the Resistance. Fortunately, while it’s a mental challenge to separate the art from the artist, it’s piss-easy separating the art from your TV or computer screen in this case, because when did you last watch a fucking tedious and/or pretentious Brigitte Bardot movie?

Finally, following Donald Trump’s kidnapping of Venezuelan president Nicolas Maduro, Keir Starmer said he would not comment on the matter until ‘all the facts’ had been established, but insisted he was a keen upholder of international law.

Okay, that was a few fucking days ago. I think we’re aware of all the facts now. So, what have you got to say? Or do you think that feeble bit of stalling was enough to appease the landlord of your lodgings, which are up Trump’s capacious arse? In the flat next door to every other spineless politician we depend on for some pushback in these desperate fucking times. You’re always bleating about making ‘tough decisions’, but it seems that doesn’t apply to pointing out that endless acts of deranged fucking vindictive lunacy might be a bit, you know, ‘wrong’?

'Here you are, Mr Trump. We have invaded Greenland to give it to you'

8th January 2026

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who proposes any pub with a thatched roof should be exempt from drink-driving laws

TRUMP wants Greenland. We want the favour of the most powerful man in the world. Does nobody else see the obvious solution?

He clearly doesn’t want to get his hands bloody, and I don’t blame him. I’ve spent time mothers who’ve lost sons to war and they’re not the good company you’d think. They dwell on the downside.

But British lives are cheap, and we’re not afraid of a ruck with the Danes. So what’s stopping us doing the decent thing, launching a military takeover of Greenland and presenting it to Daddy as a gift?

Starmer won’t want to? Nonsense. Tell him it’s his Falklands moment and it’ll be all battleships go in hope of holding onto his seat. NATO? Pretty sure we left that when we left the EU, and if not it’s a minor oversight nobody will mind us correcting after the fact.

British steel against Danish Lego? Don’t expect much of a fight. We’ll be planting the Union Jack in Nuuk quicker than our patriots at home can get one zip-tied to an A-road footbridge.

And then, just as Trump is hearing about it, the King places a call – Starmer wouldn’t be right for this, his voice is too honky – and says ‘Mr President, we have a lovely surprise for you. I think you’re going to like it.’

We could even wrap a ribbon around it in seals’ blood so it’s more impressive from the air. Air Force One lands and Charles says ‘Here you are, sir. Greenland is now an American territory. But not a state, so no risk of US cities being swamped by Inuit drug dealers.’

Why, he’d be endlessly grateful. He’d drop all tariffs, grant us most favoured nation after Israel status, and sell us chlorinated chicken at a hefty discount. We’d be the new Elon Musk.

Or if not Greenland, there’s always Iceland. Trump’s senile, he won’t know the difference and we can finally do something about Bjork.