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MODERN Britain is a beacon of democracy, where anyone, no matter their background, can freely slag off whichever posho gets to be in charge.

What’s the point of doing drugs at the world’s greatest music festival? Do them somewhere shit, like Aldi.

WAKING from a blissful dream in which I am floating on my back in the Dead Sea, only to find I am sloshing about in a large pool of vomit atop my mattress, I take stock of the events which led me to libation.

AWARD-winning pop sensation Justin Timberlake has been wowing crowds for decades. Here he explains why his next project is to represent the constituents of Barnsley North.

Like every child who counts, I grew up loving Harry Potter. It got our generation into reading and spending hundreds of pounds at a walk-through studio tour in Leavesden.

You know who should have done an Eras tour? Motörhead.

WAKING with a hangover that would doubtless make a Geiger counter explode if it attempted to measure it, I reflect on what drove me to my present condition. The answer? Ed Davey.

WE tend not to brag about majorities, in this country. As Blair proved, it’s vulgar. Boris’s was only described as ‘stonking’ in sly tribute to his sexual charisma.

THOM’S a millennial. His date Olly is the even more annoying Generation Z. But can they overcome their natural distrust and forge a union?

“Billy Zane is not my girl, no, he’s a guy who used to date Kelly Brook. My God her acting sucked.”